Disappointment

Oregon is coming so quickly.

I'm so excited, but at the same time, not as enthused as I expected myself to be.

Does that even make sense?

Being excited but ultimately unenthused?

I'm spending time with my best friend and his family on Thanksgiving, and I couldn't be happier. Mesa is such a blessing and his family are complete gems. I'm carless sadly, but I am having coffee with some of the sweetest people from Oregon; people I have missed dearly.

I get to see my hell raising nephews, my best friend and brother, my auntie, and of course, spend sometime on the farm.

So why am "ho-humming" around the trip?

One reason is obvious.
There were some main people I wanted to see in Oregon, and any reader of mine knows who one of them was.

And sadly, I've been completely removed from his life.

In a long story short, we've found out in the long run my beliefs are different then his, and he won't have that be any part of our friendship.

It's terrible, and in no exaggeration, heart breaking.

We've chased for some time now, hit dead ends, and always found our own way to forgive and resolve. But to be dropped off a cliff, to be told you just aren't desirable to some set standards, is like hitting the ground straight on. All this time, wasted. All the hoops jumped through to ensure eventual stability, done.

I don't even know how to feel. I feel like I'm losing someone who no matter how far away from me, has always, always, always, been in my mind and very much a part of my life.

But oh well right?
I have to move past it. I cannot continue to resolve 'said' complications that can no longer be fought about, as my beliefs make me someone not fit for his lifestyle.

I can only continue to back my opinions and more importantly stay steadfast to who I am. If it changes someones opinion of me, so be it. There is nothing I can do about it; I am me, and that's all there is to it.

But it should be said, that I cared for him very much...and I am incredibly sad that my life is going to have to move on without him. I wish, with just about everything I have, he would reconsider.

Alright, this is off my chest, I better head to bed, work in the morning.

Love you.
Shannon

I am beneath the world's foot today and I'm suffocating.

I'm let down by so many people, including myself, and it's all to overwhelming.

-Shan