Surv

Hi, my name is: Shannon Marie

But you can call me: Shans

Never in my life have I: had the chicken pox

Sometimes I: make monkey faces

I have this funny nickname, it's: Amazon

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Why? I might never know. But he's tall, curly haired, blue eyed...good kisser and stubborn.

My high school is: ill-preparing students for higher education.

When I’m nervous: I breathe deep, and if it's really really bad, I try to runaway.

The last song I listened to was: "Get out Alive" Social Burn

If I were to get married right now it would be to: You.

My hair is: An unruly, un-tameable, bi-polar, chocolate colored mess. And much to long.

When I was 4: I saw Dean for the last time until I graduated.

Last Christmas: I lived with an amazing roommate.

I should be: Cleaning. That's always the answer.

When I look down I see: Eagles on my blue blue sweater.

The happiest recent event was: My happiness stems from conversations to Mesa. Other then that, I'm a sad little girl right now.

If I were a character on ‘Friends’ : um. I'm going to google that one.

It's a tie!

	You are part Monica. You have a go-all-out nature. Your friends better watch out, because you play to win. Also, when it comes to order and cleanliness, you're a bit obsessive compulsive. Your best trait, however, is your thoughtfulness. You go to great lengths to care for your friends.
	You are part Chandler. You're funny and that's why people like to have you around. You're also a great friend, and when someone you care about is in trouble, they know to come to you for some level-headed advice followed by some sharp sarcasm.

There ya go. I'd say accurate.


By this time next year: I will be happier.

My current gripe is: All that is petty.

I have a hard time understanding: Men, God's plan for me, Myself, Math.

There’s these girls: and they're girls.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My brother, and then Mesa.

I want to buy: freedom from financial debt.

I plan to visit: the Grand Canyon next week, though it probably won't work out.

If you spent the night at my house: you'd be at the wrong home; I don't have my own house.

The world could do without: High Fructose Corn Syrup

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Comida.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Tyler, a movie ticket to see The Strangers

My middle name is: Marie

In the morning I: Sleepy and smiley...until I oversleep.

Last night I was: thankful for the great advice my best friend Mesa can give.

There’s this guy I know who: I love.

If I was an animal I’d be a: Mermaid

A better name for me would be: Shannon. That's who I am, no doubt,

Tomorrow I am: going to be in hysterics. I'm going to the Dentist.

Tonight I am: changing plans from watching a movie with Tyler & Austin, and sleeping instead

My birthday is: soon. July 19th

stupid

Again, I'm forcing myself to blog. I have tons to say but no general urge to let it out.

In all my self aware capacity, I've realized I'm ultimately unhappy right now. It's like I can hop out of my body and see myself not talking, not smiling, not caring, not moving...but my brain still functions enough to realize it...but not do anything about it.

I can't figure out why I'm not my cheery self. Why I'm not abiding by my "life moves on", "be thankful for your surroundings" type of thinking.

I'm still scarce in words.

I'm just going to use pictures.

Somewhere in me I'm ecstatic about:

He may be a comic book geek at heart...but he is now officially the Democratic Nominee...and this voter is happy.

I'm worried about.


This is what my days feel like:



I know I should continue to be abiding by this:

But instead I'm definitely stressing about:



and am unhappy about

and the



I'm going to bed. This is stupid.

blog

I feel like I NEED to blog, even if I have nothing to say. Everyday, I think about it, and never do it.

I always have something I want to say.

In fact, I've built up so much in my gut that instead of letting my fingers flow them gently out of my brain...as I would in my normal blog-nature....I would vomit them onto the keyboard.

Until someone pops my guts with proverbial needle, it's safe not to expect any emotion vomit...but I feel like it should be noted in my blog that it exists.

Right now I'm sitting outside on the cement steps of my house in Utah. The last time I blogged was in Oregon. Recently I came home, airfare paid via loving friends, and spent some quality time in the wild. I had actually planned on attending a few parties and definitely hitting up the clubs but ended up avoiding that scene all together. Instead, I spent time with the better half of my heart....my bestie Chris. I brought him home to the farm, the beach, the mountains and showed my cityboy best friend what world I grew up in. He embraced it, loved it and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share it with. I saw Moge a bit, but she was busy and we didn't get to spend the kind of time two life partners should normally get together. I saw a few old friends, snapped a picture here and there, but all in all... I spent alot of time alone.

Often I found myself driving to see someone and would become consumed in thought. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I was desperately in need of a time and place to sort it out. My brain was completely falling short of the amount of receptors it needed to fully process all the swirling; it was complete and total consumption. After driving with a mind cloud for a bit...I pulled down back road and drove straight to the riverside.

It was peaceful.

In fact, I would almost dare to describe it as perfect.

I blogged about it, the first attempt at expressing myself in a while, but my computer ate the document and it has since disappeared. It's a sad story. I blogged about something I've put away for a long time, my first memories in Tillamook and the house I spent them in. I don't remember allot of my child years, whether they be uninteresting, undesirable, or just unattainable...I rarely have a concise, vivid memory from being a kid. In Oregon, I went back to that house, or rather the land it was on as someone had burned it down. I sat in the grass, and breathed in some visuals I hadn't seen since first experiencing them. It was an experience I won't forget.

It was just one of the many places I sat and had time to think while in Oregon. I couldn't have asked for a better trip home.

Back to now. As said, here I sit, on the steps. I'm hungry, cold, wearing large yellow earrings and turquoise hoodie. I'm currently trying to decide whether I'm going to eat dinner. Interesting... aren't I?

Um, I think I'm going to vomit.
Oh Vomit.

I'm mad at myself, I think. I'm unsure really. I never really get upset with myself honestly. I know I always do things for one reason or another and that each thing I do...I was intended to experience. Does that make sense?

Even when I royally screw up, I may panic for a few moments, but then I remember life's effervescent ability to work itself out. I chill, and move on.

Yet right now, I'm consumed with some of the things I wish I hadn't done...almost contemplating regret...something I don't think I've ever questioned. I don't regret; I learn, I move on, I utilize what knowledge I can take away from any questionable situation and find a lesson in it. I'm always sure that my "mistakes" are just God's way of letting me make my own decisions; his way of letting me find lessons in difficult times so I can better prepare myself for later on in life. And though I'm sure this is just another drive down "Lesson Lane", I'm mad at myself for ever letting it happen in the first place. I'm not at ease with myself, content with the thought that I will just "work through it" and learn from, or in any way okay with what I have put myself in.

I'm sure of it, I'm genuinely angry at myself.

I'm not ready to go in to detail about the cause of all this, but I will just say one thing.

I'm not financially invincible and I can't live like I am anymore.

My stomach is so hungry at this point that it's making shifty eyes at my other organs...the cannibalistic type. I should probably go eat.

toodleloo.
Shannon