blog

I feel like I NEED to blog, even if I have nothing to say. Everyday, I think about it, and never do it.

I always have something I want to say.

In fact, I've built up so much in my gut that instead of letting my fingers flow them gently out of my brain...as I would in my normal blog-nature....I would vomit them onto the keyboard.

Until someone pops my guts with proverbial needle, it's safe not to expect any emotion vomit...but I feel like it should be noted in my blog that it exists.

Right now I'm sitting outside on the cement steps of my house in Utah. The last time I blogged was in Oregon. Recently I came home, airfare paid via loving friends, and spent some quality time in the wild. I had actually planned on attending a few parties and definitely hitting up the clubs but ended up avoiding that scene all together. Instead, I spent time with the better half of my heart....my bestie Chris. I brought him home to the farm, the beach, the mountains and showed my cityboy best friend what world I grew up in. He embraced it, loved it and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share it with. I saw Moge a bit, but she was busy and we didn't get to spend the kind of time two life partners should normally get together. I saw a few old friends, snapped a picture here and there, but all in all... I spent alot of time alone.

Often I found myself driving to see someone and would become consumed in thought. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I was desperately in need of a time and place to sort it out. My brain was completely falling short of the amount of receptors it needed to fully process all the swirling; it was complete and total consumption. After driving with a mind cloud for a bit...I pulled down back road and drove straight to the riverside.

It was peaceful.

In fact, I would almost dare to describe it as perfect.

I blogged about it, the first attempt at expressing myself in a while, but my computer ate the document and it has since disappeared. It's a sad story. I blogged about something I've put away for a long time, my first memories in Tillamook and the house I spent them in. I don't remember allot of my child years, whether they be uninteresting, undesirable, or just unattainable...I rarely have a concise, vivid memory from being a kid. In Oregon, I went back to that house, or rather the land it was on as someone had burned it down. I sat in the grass, and breathed in some visuals I hadn't seen since first experiencing them. It was an experience I won't forget.

It was just one of the many places I sat and had time to think while in Oregon. I couldn't have asked for a better trip home.

Back to now. As said, here I sit, on the steps. I'm hungry, cold, wearing large yellow earrings and turquoise hoodie. I'm currently trying to decide whether I'm going to eat dinner. Interesting... aren't I?

Um, I think I'm going to vomit.
Oh Vomit.

I'm mad at myself, I think. I'm unsure really. I never really get upset with myself honestly. I know I always do things for one reason or another and that each thing I do...I was intended to experience. Does that make sense?

Even when I royally screw up, I may panic for a few moments, but then I remember life's effervescent ability to work itself out. I chill, and move on.

Yet right now, I'm consumed with some of the things I wish I hadn't done...almost contemplating regret...something I don't think I've ever questioned. I don't regret; I learn, I move on, I utilize what knowledge I can take away from any questionable situation and find a lesson in it. I'm always sure that my "mistakes" are just God's way of letting me make my own decisions; his way of letting me find lessons in difficult times so I can better prepare myself for later on in life. And though I'm sure this is just another drive down "Lesson Lane", I'm mad at myself for ever letting it happen in the first place. I'm not at ease with myself, content with the thought that I will just "work through it" and learn from, or in any way okay with what I have put myself in.

I'm sure of it, I'm genuinely angry at myself.

I'm not ready to go in to detail about the cause of all this, but I will just say one thing.

I'm not financially invincible and I can't live like I am anymore.

My stomach is so hungry at this point that it's making shifty eyes at my other organs...the cannibalistic type. I should probably go eat.

toodleloo.
Shannon