Oregon is coming so quickly.
I'm so excited, but at the same time, not as enthused as I expected myself to be.
Does that even make sense?
Being excited but ultimately unenthused?
I'm spending time with my best friend and his family on Thanksgiving, and I couldn't be happier. Mesa is such a blessing and his family are complete gems. I'm carless sadly, but I am having coffee with some of the sweetest people from Oregon; people I have missed dearly.
I get to see my hell raising nephews, my best friend and brother, my auntie, and of course, spend sometime on the farm.
So why am "ho-humming" around the trip?
One reason is obvious.
There were some main people I wanted to see in Oregon, and any reader of mine knows who one of them was.
And sadly, I've been completely removed from his life.
In a long story short, we've found out in the long run my beliefs are different then his, and he won't have that be any part of our friendship.
It's terrible, and in no exaggeration, heart breaking.
We've chased for some time now, hit dead ends, and always found our own way to forgive and resolve. But to be dropped off a cliff, to be told you just aren't desirable to some set standards, is like hitting the ground straight on. All this time, wasted. All the hoops jumped through to ensure eventual stability, done.
I don't even know how to feel. I feel like I'm losing someone who no matter how far away from me, has always, always, always, been in my mind and very much a part of my life.
But oh well right?
I have to move past it. I cannot continue to resolve 'said' complications that can no longer be fought about, as my beliefs make me someone not fit for his lifestyle.
I can only continue to back my opinions and more importantly stay steadfast to who I am. If it changes someones opinion of me, so be it. There is nothing I can do about it; I am me, and that's all there is to it.
But it should be said, that I cared for him very much...and I am incredibly sad that my life is going to have to move on without him. I wish, with just about everything I have, he would reconsider.
Alright, this is off my chest, I better head to bed, work in the morning.
Love you.
Shannon
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
RIP Nathan
Nathan,
My heart is broken that your life was cut so short. You were a talented, funny, incredibly caring and loving soul that everyone who knew you, will truly miss. I am so sad that you will not get to spread your kind spirit to all the people you were supposed to meet in this life.
It doesn't seem real that you are gone. Our family, no matter how chaotic and preoccupied we get with our own individual lives sometimes, seems like it's one puzzle piece short without you. We've yet to lose someone, never thinking it would happen to our own family, and so it seems so unreal. Last night, I found out you had passed via a voicemail, and fully realized it after talking to my mother. After, I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried, as if the floor had been pulled out from beneath me. I eventually went out for fresh air, and then sat up for hours drinking hot tea and trying to comprehend why it had happened.
The Lord found me last night in my sorrows, and through my faith, consoled me that you were in a better place now; walking with him.
Of the many, many things I could have been proud of you for in this life, it was your personal relationship with the Lord, and last night he reminded me of that. You steadfastly held Jesus in your heart with every step you took in life, and I looked up to you and your family while finding my own path with him just a few years ago.
Nathan, you will be forever missed.
2Timothy 2:11-13
if we have died with Him, then we shall live with Him
if we persevere, then we shall reign with Him
if we disown Him, then He will disown us.
if we are faithless, He is faithful still
for He cannot disown His own self.
To my family:
I am devasted by our loss and I wish I were there with you. I am praying and thinking about all of your, especially the Neahrings, every moment I get.
Always remember that:
Psalms 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
I love you.
Shannon
My heart is broken that your life was cut so short. You were a talented, funny, incredibly caring and loving soul that everyone who knew you, will truly miss. I am so sad that you will not get to spread your kind spirit to all the people you were supposed to meet in this life.
It doesn't seem real that you are gone. Our family, no matter how chaotic and preoccupied we get with our own individual lives sometimes, seems like it's one puzzle piece short without you. We've yet to lose someone, never thinking it would happen to our own family, and so it seems so unreal. Last night, I found out you had passed via a voicemail, and fully realized it after talking to my mother. After, I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried, as if the floor had been pulled out from beneath me. I eventually went out for fresh air, and then sat up for hours drinking hot tea and trying to comprehend why it had happened.
The Lord found me last night in my sorrows, and through my faith, consoled me that you were in a better place now; walking with him.
Of the many, many things I could have been proud of you for in this life, it was your personal relationship with the Lord, and last night he reminded me of that. You steadfastly held Jesus in your heart with every step you took in life, and I looked up to you and your family while finding my own path with him just a few years ago.
Nathan, you will be forever missed.
2Timothy 2:11-13
if we have died with Him, then we shall live with Him
if we persevere, then we shall reign with Him
if we disown Him, then He will disown us.
if we are faithless, He is faithful still
for He cannot disown His own self.
To my family:
I am devasted by our loss and I wish I were there with you. I am praying and thinking about all of your, especially the Neahrings, every moment I get.
Always remember that:
Psalms 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
I love you.
Shannon
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Financial Crisis
This whole financial crisis is starting to scare me. I mean, we all knew events of the last 5 years were going to be textbook worthy; with the terrorism attacks, the most ignorant president in decades getting elected not once but twice, and of course the war. But now, we have a instability in our financial infrastructure that could quickly resemble the Great Depression of 1929. We are living history; history so important students will spend countless chapters on just a decade of time.
I never remember my parents having much to say about their period in time that interested me. It was always predominantly my grandmother. History, or more so the present, is filling itself with so many notable occurrences, that I don’t think I will be waiting till I’m old and in my rocking chair to be sharing it with my children.
*sigh*
In other news.
What a bitch move by McCain.
Postponing the debates to go back to Congress to “address the financial crisis”?
Now I know that I was just expressing my fears towards the situation, but I don’t think that postponing a debate, one that can aid in convincing the 1/5 of voters that are still undecided, will do much help. I believe this is a time for the VP’s to take a predominant role in representing their candidates. They are their running mates, they are the ones who understand their beliefs the most, particularly towards the bailout plan. Take your first leadership Governer Palin and represent your partners standing at congress.
In my mind, it’s more important then ever for them to show the American voters what direction they want to take our country and what they want to do about the economy.
It’s roughly 40 days until one of them takes office; we simply cannot put off the debates.
In my best opinion, McCain is pulling a stunt. Being behind in the polls can make a candidate do irrational things, but please don’t think we, Republicans and Democrats combined, haven’t noticed.
What else.
Beyond politics, I’m busy planning Sean and Tyson’s birthdays. I’d like to divulge some secrets via my blog but I think they may know the url now.
But if al works out, Sean’s Big Gay Birthday Bash, will have some marvelous little surprises :D
Tyson’s, well, it’s a month a way, so I have some time. But my creativity is definitely brewing.
Ok, I need to get back to my job. I’m overwhelmed in work.
Love you,
Shannon
I never remember my parents having much to say about their period in time that interested me. It was always predominantly my grandmother. History, or more so the present, is filling itself with so many notable occurrences, that I don’t think I will be waiting till I’m old and in my rocking chair to be sharing it with my children.
*sigh*
In other news.
What a bitch move by McCain.
Postponing the debates to go back to Congress to “address the financial crisis”?
Now I know that I was just expressing my fears towards the situation, but I don’t think that postponing a debate, one that can aid in convincing the 1/5 of voters that are still undecided, will do much help. I believe this is a time for the VP’s to take a predominant role in representing their candidates. They are their running mates, they are the ones who understand their beliefs the most, particularly towards the bailout plan. Take your first leadership Governer Palin and represent your partners standing at congress.
In my mind, it’s more important then ever for them to show the American voters what direction they want to take our country and what they want to do about the economy.
It’s roughly 40 days until one of them takes office; we simply cannot put off the debates.
In my best opinion, McCain is pulling a stunt. Being behind in the polls can make a candidate do irrational things, but please don’t think we, Republicans and Democrats combined, haven’t noticed.
What else.
Beyond politics, I’m busy planning Sean and Tyson’s birthdays. I’d like to divulge some secrets via my blog but I think they may know the url now.
But if al works out, Sean’s Big Gay Birthday Bash, will have some marvelous little surprises :D
Tyson’s, well, it’s a month a way, so I have some time. But my creativity is definitely brewing.
Ok, I need to get back to my job. I’m overwhelmed in work.
Love you,
Shannon
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Update
Oh I feel the need to blog.
Yes I do WHO!
First. Although we’ve never met in person, I do read her blog (does that make me a stalker?).
Abbie….I must congratulate you. You and your husband have an amazing talent. That talent being your ability to make ADORABLE babies. Keep up the good work and congrats with your new little blessing!
Ok, let’s play catch up.
Let’s see.
I moved into a townhome about a month ago; responding to an ad I saw online. My roommate is a 30 year old lady who is never home and when she is home she lives on the lower half of the house. I get all the upstairs, utilities, and parking for just 350.00 a month. It’s a really great deal. Though I may be moving again here shortly as my friend Ale’ and I would really like to get our own little townhome.
I work two jobs, one with PSS World Medical in the morning, one on some nights and weekends at IHOP. In August, my aunt’s landlord became a little upset that I was staying so long at their house (even though they are buying it in two months…go figure) and I needed to move out. It was a good kick in the butt to force me to get a second job (if I still wanted to spend like the little shopper I am) and find a place. As much as it was really stressful, it was such a blessing in disguise. Up until about a month ago, I truly had not made any concrete friends. I was ‘dating’ someone at one point and made friends with his friends, but once I decided it wasn’t going to go anywhere in the long run, I was back at square one. I once asked him why it was so hard to make friends, and he explained to me that everyone in Utah has lived here their whole lives and have had the same friends since they were in diapers…I found out quickly it was hard to compete with friendships that lasted that long. Besides, I don’t belong to a ward or LDS church so that never helped.
So I’ve been socializing at coffee shops and clubs and what not, but lacking a girl to go out on the town with, or any one for that matter, to just relax and watch movies with.
Then IHOP comes in.
Since I was forced to move out and get a second job a month ago, I’ve made some AMAZING friends at IHOP. All of us get along great and 5 of us actually get together almost every weekend. Last weekend we hit some clubs and had a pizza&beer night. This weekend we are hitting all the haunted houses and all getting together to cook a huge feast to eat. I can’t even explain the stress and loneliness that has been removed from my shoulders since I met them.
I don’t really feel like a complete person when I’m not socializing, having fun and taking advantage of every moment in life. Things are getting much better in that Dept.
It’s not rare that we Beer n’ Board Games Night, go hit the downtown clubs (ah the power of a fake ID), Football parties, and this weekend we are hitting the circus.
I love them =]
I’m single. All in all I’ve been here eight months, and dated two people a total of 3 ½ months combined.
I got interested in someone shortly after I got here, but I think he was apprehensive of my, well, lets just say “spontaneous spirit”. He was a great guy; cute, tall, medical student, and lead singer of a band. He would have fun with me, but was always worried about the smallest things in life and would never just relax and let life take him where he needed to go. That started in midMarch and ended by end of April. About 2 months ago I started seeing a guy named Saxon. He was awesome too, but we were at complete and total different places in our lives. I felt like he was way more in love with me then I would ever be with him and I also couldn’t stand his parents. Family is often a deal breaker. He was just too opposite of me in a lot of ways. There are days when there is nothing I love more then sitting on a curb, sun on my backside, watching the people and cars go by. He, seemed to never just enjoy the smallest aspects of life, the moments where we don’t talk and just bask in our small blessings. On the other end, I often crave more then the norm, have a need to travel and meet new people, change my mind and directions on a whim and am very open-minded. He, well, was just “okay” with the norm. It sucked, because at one point I felt like maybe I could have the possibility of really liking him, but the heart is a crazy thing. So by Sept, I axed that one too. Neither of them was Mormon btw.
Hah. I’m such a maneater right?
Wait, I take that back…just a selective, picky girl.
I’m still friends with both of them, but I also depended on them both for friends so that was a hard loss.
I’m not exactly looking for anyone, just living. I mean if some gorgeous man asks me out, I won’t say no, but then again, most wouldn’t =D.
To spill the beans, I’m still dreadfully attached to someone in Oregon. I think about him a lot and maybe in all rights it’s not fair for me to date someone else.
Who knows.
What else to update on?
I’m coming home for a business trip here in about a week.
I will be back in January for the state contest. I’d like to come down sooner as I have accrued a free plane ticket, but I’m not sure when. Any ideas?
I think my friends Alejandra (Ale’), Tyson, and Sean and I may just drive in January as they are dying to see Oregon.
Welp, I gotta quit avoiding work. I think I’m going to take a break and run to Starbucks. Venti Light Peppermint White Mocha Frap….YUMMY
I think I’m going to start blogging again.
Maybe.
Shanny
Yes I do WHO!
First. Although we’ve never met in person, I do read her blog (does that make me a stalker?).
Abbie….I must congratulate you. You and your husband have an amazing talent. That talent being your ability to make ADORABLE babies. Keep up the good work and congrats with your new little blessing!
Ok, let’s play catch up.
Let’s see.
I moved into a townhome about a month ago; responding to an ad I saw online. My roommate is a 30 year old lady who is never home and when she is home she lives on the lower half of the house. I get all the upstairs, utilities, and parking for just 350.00 a month. It’s a really great deal. Though I may be moving again here shortly as my friend Ale’ and I would really like to get our own little townhome.
I work two jobs, one with PSS World Medical in the morning, one on some nights and weekends at IHOP. In August, my aunt’s landlord became a little upset that I was staying so long at their house (even though they are buying it in two months…go figure) and I needed to move out. It was a good kick in the butt to force me to get a second job (if I still wanted to spend like the little shopper I am) and find a place. As much as it was really stressful, it was such a blessing in disguise. Up until about a month ago, I truly had not made any concrete friends. I was ‘dating’ someone at one point and made friends with his friends, but once I decided it wasn’t going to go anywhere in the long run, I was back at square one. I once asked him why it was so hard to make friends, and he explained to me that everyone in Utah has lived here their whole lives and have had the same friends since they were in diapers…I found out quickly it was hard to compete with friendships that lasted that long. Besides, I don’t belong to a ward or LDS church so that never helped.
So I’ve been socializing at coffee shops and clubs and what not, but lacking a girl to go out on the town with, or any one for that matter, to just relax and watch movies with.
Then IHOP comes in.
Since I was forced to move out and get a second job a month ago, I’ve made some AMAZING friends at IHOP. All of us get along great and 5 of us actually get together almost every weekend. Last weekend we hit some clubs and had a pizza&beer night. This weekend we are hitting all the haunted houses and all getting together to cook a huge feast to eat. I can’t even explain the stress and loneliness that has been removed from my shoulders since I met them.
I don’t really feel like a complete person when I’m not socializing, having fun and taking advantage of every moment in life. Things are getting much better in that Dept.
It’s not rare that we Beer n’ Board Games Night, go hit the downtown clubs (ah the power of a fake ID), Football parties, and this weekend we are hitting the circus.
I love them =]
I’m single. All in all I’ve been here eight months, and dated two people a total of 3 ½ months combined.
I got interested in someone shortly after I got here, but I think he was apprehensive of my, well, lets just say “spontaneous spirit”. He was a great guy; cute, tall, medical student, and lead singer of a band. He would have fun with me, but was always worried about the smallest things in life and would never just relax and let life take him where he needed to go. That started in midMarch and ended by end of April. About 2 months ago I started seeing a guy named Saxon. He was awesome too, but we were at complete and total different places in our lives. I felt like he was way more in love with me then I would ever be with him and I also couldn’t stand his parents. Family is often a deal breaker. He was just too opposite of me in a lot of ways. There are days when there is nothing I love more then sitting on a curb, sun on my backside, watching the people and cars go by. He, seemed to never just enjoy the smallest aspects of life, the moments where we don’t talk and just bask in our small blessings. On the other end, I often crave more then the norm, have a need to travel and meet new people, change my mind and directions on a whim and am very open-minded. He, well, was just “okay” with the norm. It sucked, because at one point I felt like maybe I could have the possibility of really liking him, but the heart is a crazy thing. So by Sept, I axed that one too. Neither of them was Mormon btw.
Hah. I’m such a maneater right?
Wait, I take that back…just a selective, picky girl.
I’m still friends with both of them, but I also depended on them both for friends so that was a hard loss.
I’m not exactly looking for anyone, just living. I mean if some gorgeous man asks me out, I won’t say no, but then again, most wouldn’t =D.
To spill the beans, I’m still dreadfully attached to someone in Oregon. I think about him a lot and maybe in all rights it’s not fair for me to date someone else.
Who knows.
What else to update on?
I’m coming home for a business trip here in about a week.
I will be back in January for the state contest. I’d like to come down sooner as I have accrued a free plane ticket, but I’m not sure when. Any ideas?
I think my friends Alejandra (Ale’), Tyson, and Sean and I may just drive in January as they are dying to see Oregon.
Welp, I gotta quit avoiding work. I think I’m going to take a break and run to Starbucks. Venti Light Peppermint White Mocha Frap….YUMMY
I think I’m going to start blogging again.
Maybe.
Shanny
Monday, September 15, 2008
Married Life
My coworkers are talking right now, in a comical, laughing, but completely serious tone, about how much their husbands don’t do anything any more.
How their husbands basically draw a line down the center of the bed, don’t kiss them on the lips anymore, and complain about how they sleep. How they argue about what they can watch on TV, sex is not just silly “at their age” but completely unwanted, and the compliments are nonexistent. That the children become the responsibility of just one parent, (and you can “guess who that is”) vacations are mandatory and a burden to plan and carryout, and that their jobs get in the way of spending quality time…but who cares right? Because we have nice things bought with nice money to fill up a nice…loveless home. Hmmmmm.
As much as they laugh it off, I couldn’t help but turn to my computer and blog about it.
As impossible as it may sound, I want my future husband to think I’m not only beautiful, but completely sexy, for the rest of our married life. I want him to be proud he married me and though it’s human nature to glance at some young fox walking by, be always thankful that he has me as his woman; that I am always “such a catch”. I don’t want to grow old next to my husband, I want to grow old with my husband, and laugh the whole way there. Yah, I’m stubborn, ornery, and sometimes overly outspoken. But I can only hope that during my moments of being unreasonable, my husband will stay mad for just a short while and not tire of my inevitable tendencies to be…well…female.
Time spent together will be cherished during our first years as married. I absolutely plan to honeymoon for at least a few years before I have children. Now I don’t mean jetting off to Cancun for an extended lovefest, but simply spending time loving, laughing, traveling and enjoying the married life with the man who will help me tackle children, mid-life crisis’, wrinkles, finances, and of course, the overbearing decision of what to make for dinner.
In return, I will be proud to keep myself up physically, and attempt to not lose myself mentally as I grow older =]. When things are rough, I will remember my role as his wife, and fulfill my duties as God created me to do them.
I will not laugh, allow our marriage to fall apart, and gossip with the other old bags at work who prefer new furniture and overtime then time spent with their husband and children.
I hope to never lose sight of the three most important words between him and I. “I love you”, to me, can never become an overused, underdefined, lifeless closing clause to any conversation. When said to my husband, it’s me saying: God created our souls to match. Part of his plan for us was to find each other and to carry out life together as a team…to lighten each others love through his most exceptional gift to us…love
My heart, as much as it feels offended by the conversation that pushed me to write this blog, goes out to the ladies who are surely hurting; who have lost such a precious gift that once existed between them and their significant other, their best friend, their husband.
It may seem silly for me to write about this, but I just can’t wait to find that other half of me someday; the person God created specifically for me and I for him. What a gift that person will be!
And to hear it being discussed as “not all it’s cracked up to be”…
Ugh.
How their husbands basically draw a line down the center of the bed, don’t kiss them on the lips anymore, and complain about how they sleep. How they argue about what they can watch on TV, sex is not just silly “at their age” but completely unwanted, and the compliments are nonexistent. That the children become the responsibility of just one parent, (and you can “guess who that is”) vacations are mandatory and a burden to plan and carryout, and that their jobs get in the way of spending quality time…but who cares right? Because we have nice things bought with nice money to fill up a nice…loveless home. Hmmmmm.
As much as they laugh it off, I couldn’t help but turn to my computer and blog about it.
As impossible as it may sound, I want my future husband to think I’m not only beautiful, but completely sexy, for the rest of our married life. I want him to be proud he married me and though it’s human nature to glance at some young fox walking by, be always thankful that he has me as his woman; that I am always “such a catch”. I don’t want to grow old next to my husband, I want to grow old with my husband, and laugh the whole way there. Yah, I’m stubborn, ornery, and sometimes overly outspoken. But I can only hope that during my moments of being unreasonable, my husband will stay mad for just a short while and not tire of my inevitable tendencies to be…well…female.
Time spent together will be cherished during our first years as married. I absolutely plan to honeymoon for at least a few years before I have children. Now I don’t mean jetting off to Cancun for an extended lovefest, but simply spending time loving, laughing, traveling and enjoying the married life with the man who will help me tackle children, mid-life crisis’, wrinkles, finances, and of course, the overbearing decision of what to make for dinner.
In return, I will be proud to keep myself up physically, and attempt to not lose myself mentally as I grow older =]. When things are rough, I will remember my role as his wife, and fulfill my duties as God created me to do them.
I will not laugh, allow our marriage to fall apart, and gossip with the other old bags at work who prefer new furniture and overtime then time spent with their husband and children.
I hope to never lose sight of the three most important words between him and I. “I love you”, to me, can never become an overused, underdefined, lifeless closing clause to any conversation. When said to my husband, it’s me saying: God created our souls to match. Part of his plan for us was to find each other and to carry out life together as a team…to lighten each others love through his most exceptional gift to us…love
My heart, as much as it feels offended by the conversation that pushed me to write this blog, goes out to the ladies who are surely hurting; who have lost such a precious gift that once existed between them and their significant other, their best friend, their husband.
It may seem silly for me to write about this, but I just can’t wait to find that other half of me someday; the person God created specifically for me and I for him. What a gift that person will be!
And to hear it being discussed as “not all it’s cracked up to be”…
Ugh.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
uh.
Blog! Just do it!
Yah, face it, I'm forcing words. But I'm making an attempt, and I want it to turn into the diligent blogging I used to obsess about. So here goes, it will be dull, it will be boring, but it WILL exist, and that's all that matters.
I feel this need to completely catch up my blog about what I've been up to, but it's been something like a month. With what time has passed I would end up typing a novel, and then it would be either not read or skimmed through. No bueno.
Let's see....
hmmmmm.
My fourth of July weekend was much better then last year. Though it's fairly easy to top being part of a firework misfire and being shot in the thigh with a mortar. I spent it with Saxon and met some of his friends. It was nice to spend it with someone I care about, and feel as if I had friends around me. Although they are NOT my friends, it still helped to curb the sting of missing my loves in Oregon. We went to a carnival, partied a bit, saw fireworks and slept. The fireworks show was a hit...specially when it caught a dry patch of land on fire.
It eventually turned into this:
Fun right?
All in all, hit a few parties this weekend, spent some time with Saxon and friends, and chilled.
I started planning my birthday bash, got absolutely NO cleaning done, and made some BOMB diggety pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.
After realizing how much I hated TV, I also went for a walk. A stroll in the neighborhood will never compete with the beach, but it was nice to have the warm breeze on my legs.
Work is good, I get a small bonus this week and I'm planing some fun activities for a big wig that comes in mid-week. I'm also kicking off a few "Go Green" initiatives in hopes to make my work more eco-friendly.
All in all, still homesick, still craving new friends, and still drowning in debt. But I'm alive, tan, and breathing, so I can't really complain.
Shan
Yah, face it, I'm forcing words. But I'm making an attempt, and I want it to turn into the diligent blogging I used to obsess about. So here goes, it will be dull, it will be boring, but it WILL exist, and that's all that matters.
I feel this need to completely catch up my blog about what I've been up to, but it's been something like a month. With what time has passed I would end up typing a novel, and then it would be either not read or skimmed through. No bueno.
Let's see....
hmmmmm.
My fourth of July weekend was much better then last year. Though it's fairly easy to top being part of a firework misfire and being shot in the thigh with a mortar. I spent it with Saxon and met some of his friends. It was nice to spend it with someone I care about, and feel as if I had friends around me. Although they are NOT my friends, it still helped to curb the sting of missing my loves in Oregon. We went to a carnival, partied a bit, saw fireworks and slept. The fireworks show was a hit...specially when it caught a dry patch of land on fire.
It eventually turned into this:
Fun right?
All in all, hit a few parties this weekend, spent some time with Saxon and friends, and chilled.
I started planning my birthday bash, got absolutely NO cleaning done, and made some BOMB diggety pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.
After realizing how much I hated TV, I also went for a walk. A stroll in the neighborhood will never compete with the beach, but it was nice to have the warm breeze on my legs.
Work is good, I get a small bonus this week and I'm planing some fun activities for a big wig that comes in mid-week. I'm also kicking off a few "Go Green" initiatives in hopes to make my work more eco-friendly.
All in all, still homesick, still craving new friends, and still drowning in debt. But I'm alive, tan, and breathing, so I can't really complain.
Shan
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Surv
Hi, my name is: Shannon Marie
But you can call me: Shans
Never in my life have I: had the chicken pox
Sometimes I: make monkey faces
I have this funny nickname, it's: Amazon
The one person who can drive me nuts is: Why? I might never know. But he's tall, curly haired, blue eyed...good kisser and stubborn.
My high school is: ill-preparing students for higher education.
When I’m nervous: I breathe deep, and if it's really really bad, I try to runaway.
The last song I listened to was: "Get out Alive" Social Burn
If I were to get married right now it would be to: You.
My hair is: An unruly, un-tameable, bi-polar, chocolate colored mess. And much to long.
When I was 4: I saw Dean for the last time until I graduated.
Last Christmas: I lived with an amazing roommate.
I should be: Cleaning. That's always the answer.
When I look down I see: Eagles on my blue blue sweater.
The happiest recent event was: My happiness stems from conversations to Mesa. Other then that, I'm a sad little girl right now.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ : um. I'm going to google that one.
But you can call me: Shans
Never in my life have I: had the chicken pox
Sometimes I: make monkey faces
I have this funny nickname, it's: Amazon
The one person who can drive me nuts is: Why? I might never know. But he's tall, curly haired, blue eyed...good kisser and stubborn.
My high school is: ill-preparing students for higher education.
When I’m nervous: I breathe deep, and if it's really really bad, I try to runaway.
The last song I listened to was: "Get out Alive" Social Burn
If I were to get married right now it would be to: You.
My hair is: An unruly, un-tameable, bi-polar, chocolate colored mess. And much to long.
When I was 4: I saw Dean for the last time until I graduated.
Last Christmas: I lived with an amazing roommate.
I should be: Cleaning. That's always the answer.
When I look down I see: Eagles on my blue blue sweater.
The happiest recent event was: My happiness stems from conversations to Mesa. Other then that, I'm a sad little girl right now.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ : um. I'm going to google that one.
It's a tie!
 | You are part Monica. You have a go-all-out nature. Your friends better watch out, because you play to win. Also, when it comes to order and cleanliness, you're a bit obsessive compulsive. Your best trait, however, is your thoughtfulness. You go to great lengths to care for your friends. |
 | You are part Chandler. You're funny and that's why people like to have you around. You're also a great friend, and when someone you care about is in trouble, they know to come to you for some level-headed advice followed by some sharp sarcasm. |
There ya go. I'd say accurate.
By this time next year: I will be happier.
My current gripe is: All that is petty.
I have a hard time understanding: Men, God's plan for me, Myself, Math.
There’s these girls: and they're girls.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My brother, and then Mesa.
I want to buy: freedom from financial debt.
I plan to visit: the Grand Canyon next week, though it probably won't work out.
If you spent the night at my house: you'd be at the wrong home; I don't have my own house.
The world could do without: High Fructose Corn Syrup
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Comida.
Most recent thing someone else bought me: Tyler, a movie ticket to see The Strangers
My middle name is: Marie
In the morning I: Sleepy and smiley...until I oversleep.
Last night I was: thankful for the great advice my best friend Mesa can give.
There’s this guy I know who: I love.
If I was an animal I’d be a: Mermaid
A better name for me would be: Shannon. That's who I am, no doubt,
Tomorrow I am: going to be in hysterics. I'm going to the Dentist.
Tonight I am: changing plans from watching a movie with Tyler & Austin, and sleeping instead
My birthday is: soon. July 19th
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
stupid
Again, I'm forcing myself to blog. I have tons to say but no general urge to let it out.
In all my self aware capacity, I've realized I'm ultimately unhappy right now. It's like I can hop out of my body and see myself not talking, not smiling, not caring, not moving...but my brain still functions enough to realize it...but not do anything about it.
I can't figure out why I'm not my cheery self. Why I'm not abiding by my "life moves on", "be thankful for your surroundings" type of thinking.
I'm still scarce in words.
I'm just going to use pictures.
Somewhere in me I'm ecstatic about:
He may be a comic book geek at heart...but he is now officially the Democratic Nominee...and this voter is happy.
I'm worried about.
This is what my days feel like:
I know I should continue to be abiding by this:
But instead I'm definitely stressing about:
and am unhappy about
and the
I'm going to bed. This is stupid.
In all my self aware capacity, I've realized I'm ultimately unhappy right now. It's like I can hop out of my body and see myself not talking, not smiling, not caring, not moving...but my brain still functions enough to realize it...but not do anything about it.
I can't figure out why I'm not my cheery self. Why I'm not abiding by my "life moves on", "be thankful for your surroundings" type of thinking.
I'm still scarce in words.
I'm just going to use pictures.
Somewhere in me I'm ecstatic about:
He may be a comic book geek at heart...but he is now officially the Democratic Nominee...and this voter is happy.I'm worried about.
This is what my days feel like:
I know I should continue to be abiding by this:
But instead I'm definitely stressing about:
and am unhappy about
and theI'm going to bed. This is stupid.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
blog
I feel like I NEED to blog, even if I have nothing to say. Everyday, I think about it, and never do it.
I always have something I want to say.
In fact, I've built up so much in my gut that instead of letting my fingers flow them gently out of my brain...as I would in my normal blog-nature....I would vomit them onto the keyboard.
Until someone pops my guts with proverbial needle, it's safe not to expect any emotion vomit...but I feel like it should be noted in my blog that it exists.
Right now I'm sitting outside on the cement steps of my house in Utah. The last time I blogged was in Oregon. Recently I came home, airfare paid via loving friends, and spent some quality time in the wild. I had actually planned on attending a few parties and definitely hitting up the clubs but ended up avoiding that scene all together. Instead, I spent time with the better half of my heart....my bestie Chris. I brought him home to the farm, the beach, the mountains and showed my cityboy best friend what world I grew up in. He embraced it, loved it and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share it with. I saw Moge a bit, but she was busy and we didn't get to spend the kind of time two life partners should normally get together. I saw a few old friends, snapped a picture here and there, but all in all... I spent alot of time alone.
Often I found myself driving to see someone and would become consumed in thought. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I was desperately in need of a time and place to sort it out. My brain was completely falling short of the amount of receptors it needed to fully process all the swirling; it was complete and total consumption. After driving with a mind cloud for a bit...I pulled down back road and drove straight to the riverside.
It was peaceful.
In fact, I would almost dare to describe it as perfect.
I blogged about it, the first attempt at expressing myself in a while, but my computer ate the document and it has since disappeared. It's a sad story. I blogged about something I've put away for a long time, my first memories in Tillamook and the house I spent them in. I don't remember allot of my child years, whether they be uninteresting, undesirable, or just unattainable...I rarely have a concise, vivid memory from being a kid. In Oregon, I went back to that house, or rather the land it was on as someone had burned it down. I sat in the grass, and breathed in some visuals I hadn't seen since first experiencing them. It was an experience I won't forget.
It was just one of the many places I sat and had time to think while in Oregon. I couldn't have asked for a better trip home.
Back to now. As said, here I sit, on the steps. I'm hungry, cold, wearing large yellow earrings and turquoise hoodie. I'm currently trying to decide whether I'm going to eat dinner. Interesting... aren't I?
Um, I think I'm going to vomit.
Oh Vomit.
I'm mad at myself, I think. I'm unsure really. I never really get upset with myself honestly. I know I always do things for one reason or another and that each thing I do...I was intended to experience. Does that make sense?
Even when I royally screw up, I may panic for a few moments, but then I remember life's effervescent ability to work itself out. I chill, and move on.
Yet right now, I'm consumed with some of the things I wish I hadn't done...almost contemplating regret...something I don't think I've ever questioned. I don't regret; I learn, I move on, I utilize what knowledge I can take away from any questionable situation and find a lesson in it. I'm always sure that my "mistakes" are just God's way of letting me make my own decisions; his way of letting me find lessons in difficult times so I can better prepare myself for later on in life. And though I'm sure this is just another drive down "Lesson Lane", I'm mad at myself for ever letting it happen in the first place. I'm not at ease with myself, content with the thought that I will just "work through it" and learn from, or in any way okay with what I have put myself in.
I'm sure of it, I'm genuinely angry at myself.
I'm not ready to go in to detail about the cause of all this, but I will just say one thing.
I'm not financially invincible and I can't live like I am anymore.
My stomach is so hungry at this point that it's making shifty eyes at my other organs...the cannibalistic type. I should probably go eat.
toodleloo.
Shannon
I always have something I want to say.
In fact, I've built up so much in my gut that instead of letting my fingers flow them gently out of my brain...as I would in my normal blog-nature....I would vomit them onto the keyboard.
Until someone pops my guts with proverbial needle, it's safe not to expect any emotion vomit...but I feel like it should be noted in my blog that it exists.
Right now I'm sitting outside on the cement steps of my house in Utah. The last time I blogged was in Oregon. Recently I came home, airfare paid via loving friends, and spent some quality time in the wild. I had actually planned on attending a few parties and definitely hitting up the clubs but ended up avoiding that scene all together. Instead, I spent time with the better half of my heart....my bestie Chris. I brought him home to the farm, the beach, the mountains and showed my cityboy best friend what world I grew up in. He embraced it, loved it and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share it with. I saw Moge a bit, but she was busy and we didn't get to spend the kind of time two life partners should normally get together. I saw a few old friends, snapped a picture here and there, but all in all... I spent alot of time alone.
Often I found myself driving to see someone and would become consumed in thought. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I was desperately in need of a time and place to sort it out. My brain was completely falling short of the amount of receptors it needed to fully process all the swirling; it was complete and total consumption. After driving with a mind cloud for a bit...I pulled down back road and drove straight to the riverside.
It was peaceful.
In fact, I would almost dare to describe it as perfect.
I blogged about it, the first attempt at expressing myself in a while, but my computer ate the document and it has since disappeared. It's a sad story. I blogged about something I've put away for a long time, my first memories in Tillamook and the house I spent them in. I don't remember allot of my child years, whether they be uninteresting, undesirable, or just unattainable...I rarely have a concise, vivid memory from being a kid. In Oregon, I went back to that house, or rather the land it was on as someone had burned it down. I sat in the grass, and breathed in some visuals I hadn't seen since first experiencing them. It was an experience I won't forget.
It was just one of the many places I sat and had time to think while in Oregon. I couldn't have asked for a better trip home.
Back to now. As said, here I sit, on the steps. I'm hungry, cold, wearing large yellow earrings and turquoise hoodie. I'm currently trying to decide whether I'm going to eat dinner. Interesting... aren't I?
Um, I think I'm going to vomit.
Oh Vomit.
I'm mad at myself, I think. I'm unsure really. I never really get upset with myself honestly. I know I always do things for one reason or another and that each thing I do...I was intended to experience. Does that make sense?
Even when I royally screw up, I may panic for a few moments, but then I remember life's effervescent ability to work itself out. I chill, and move on.
Yet right now, I'm consumed with some of the things I wish I hadn't done...almost contemplating regret...something I don't think I've ever questioned. I don't regret; I learn, I move on, I utilize what knowledge I can take away from any questionable situation and find a lesson in it. I'm always sure that my "mistakes" are just God's way of letting me make my own decisions; his way of letting me find lessons in difficult times so I can better prepare myself for later on in life. And though I'm sure this is just another drive down "Lesson Lane", I'm mad at myself for ever letting it happen in the first place. I'm not at ease with myself, content with the thought that I will just "work through it" and learn from, or in any way okay with what I have put myself in.
I'm sure of it, I'm genuinely angry at myself.
I'm not ready to go in to detail about the cause of all this, but I will just say one thing.
I'm not financially invincible and I can't live like I am anymore.
My stomach is so hungry at this point that it's making shifty eyes at my other organs...the cannibalistic type. I should probably go eat.
toodleloo.
Shannon
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Coldplay,
Oh goodness, I almost forgot just how much I love Coldplay.
Listening to The Scientist right now. This song makes me feel wonderful all over....
Listening to The Scientist right now. This song makes me feel wonderful all over....
The Scientist-Coldplay
Come up to meet you,
tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Comet tails
Heads on the science apart,
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Come tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
All in a rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start...
Come up to meet you,
tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Comet tails
Heads on the science apart,
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Come tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
All in a rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start...
Blogblock
I'm surely cursed with bloggersblock.
Looking at the dates that show the last time I blogged...it's a sad story right there.
I don't even know what to say right now, though I feel it's important I do say something, rather then say nothing at all.
First and foremost, I'm coming home the 23rd-27th. I truly have the best friends in the whole world; friends that reach out to me when I'm so down I'm not functioning, and grant me (without asking I might add) an easy solution. That solution being a plane ticket home.
I cannot wait to see Mesa's smiling face and catch up with the number one man in my life. He honestly is one of the few men I trust, he's never done me wrong, and I can't wait to hug someone so near and dear to my heart. I almost lost him due to outside circumstances this year, and I can't wait to see him and tell him how much I love him! Having a best friend like him, is truly something to be thankful for. He's taught me alot of things, and I couldn't be more thankful for such a wonderful rock in my life.
The same goes with Moge; the only girl I've ever truly befriended. Sure I've had girlfriends in the past, but never did I know with every inch of me that any of them would surely be my friend for life. And that's how it is with Morgan. We have had small tiffs here and there, none of which are big enough to remember, but she's a smart chick, and we just get each other. So, in the midst of a disagreement, we glare at each other, say we "hate" each other, throw out some honest opinions...and then start laughing, and life moves on. She's my better half, and the downest chick I've ever met. Her life was also put in danger this year and I was then overwhelmed with the feeling of what could have happened if her condition worsened. Again, can't wait to hug such an awesome person.
Of course I can't wait to see others I miss so much. My brother & my nephews being a big part of that. My Bro and I need some sibling time and there is mas Tequila to be had there. Can't wait eat some of my Auntie Loretta's yummy food, catch up, and seek advice for the future. She never lets me down for a good chat and the feeling of being loved. I'm also excited to spend some time with the Leutholds. Bring Kimmie some coffee, butt heads with Todd, see my sissy Ash, be overwhelmed with food and love by Carol, tease Bryan, and of course, see my cows =]. I'm also seeing and having lunch with some friends I haven't seen in forever; it'll be nice to catch up and see where they are in there lives.
Seeing a new/old friend as well. Andre. That outta be interesting.
All in all, I'm counting down the days. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying Utah, I am finding my niche, and I'm not moving back home yet. But these last couple of weeks, have been surprisingly hard for me. I just went into detail about it and decided to delete it instead. It's just been a teary-eyed, on the edge, anxiety filled two weeks, but I've prayed, and I'm confronting my issues with a fresh face and a positive attitude. I can do this.
However, a vacation home, to Oregon (notice I don't say Tillamook, as I don't consider it my home) will make things a little easier.
Let's see, what else.
Work is still going great. It's stressful, as the job requires alot of me, but I earned some Target Gift Cards and a $60.00 and $90.00 bonus in the last two weeks. Those little bonus' pay off for working a little bit more each day.
I'm still living with my Auntie, but doing some house hunting to find a place of my own. It's challenging, as I don't have concrete roommates, but I'm sure it will all work out.
I'm single, as always. I've been on a few dates, no magic, no butterflies. I have gone out on some dates, but I'm not 'seeing' anyone . I've been painfully emotionless in that category since I got here. Oh well, I can't go looking for things like that.
And that's about it.
Randomness.
*Lets see, I loved the movie PS I Love You and was kind of a fan of 27 Dresses.
*I loved my awesome cheese care package I got in the mail the other day and completely exposed my branch to the love that is Tillamook Cheese products. Garlic Chili Pepper may start to be ordered in mass quantities from SLC Utah.
*I'm way excited that Obama is sure to become the Democratic Presidential Nominee. I'm not excited that that hag Clinton has stayed in the race and distracted the unifying of the Democratic Party.
and yah.
that's all.
loves.
Shanny
Looking at the dates that show the last time I blogged...it's a sad story right there.
I don't even know what to say right now, though I feel it's important I do say something, rather then say nothing at all.
First and foremost, I'm coming home the 23rd-27th. I truly have the best friends in the whole world; friends that reach out to me when I'm so down I'm not functioning, and grant me (without asking I might add) an easy solution. That solution being a plane ticket home.
I cannot wait to see Mesa's smiling face and catch up with the number one man in my life. He honestly is one of the few men I trust, he's never done me wrong, and I can't wait to hug someone so near and dear to my heart. I almost lost him due to outside circumstances this year, and I can't wait to see him and tell him how much I love him! Having a best friend like him, is truly something to be thankful for. He's taught me alot of things, and I couldn't be more thankful for such a wonderful rock in my life.
The same goes with Moge; the only girl I've ever truly befriended. Sure I've had girlfriends in the past, but never did I know with every inch of me that any of them would surely be my friend for life. And that's how it is with Morgan. We have had small tiffs here and there, none of which are big enough to remember, but she's a smart chick, and we just get each other. So, in the midst of a disagreement, we glare at each other, say we "hate" each other, throw out some honest opinions...and then start laughing, and life moves on. She's my better half, and the downest chick I've ever met. Her life was also put in danger this year and I was then overwhelmed with the feeling of what could have happened if her condition worsened. Again, can't wait to hug such an awesome person.
Of course I can't wait to see others I miss so much. My brother & my nephews being a big part of that. My Bro and I need some sibling time and there is mas Tequila to be had there. Can't wait eat some of my Auntie Loretta's yummy food, catch up, and seek advice for the future. She never lets me down for a good chat and the feeling of being loved. I'm also excited to spend some time with the Leutholds. Bring Kimmie some coffee, butt heads with Todd, see my sissy Ash, be overwhelmed with food and love by Carol, tease Bryan, and of course, see my cows =]. I'm also seeing and having lunch with some friends I haven't seen in forever; it'll be nice to catch up and see where they are in there lives.
Seeing a new/old friend as well. Andre. That outta be interesting.
All in all, I'm counting down the days. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying Utah, I am finding my niche, and I'm not moving back home yet. But these last couple of weeks, have been surprisingly hard for me. I just went into detail about it and decided to delete it instead. It's just been a teary-eyed, on the edge, anxiety filled two weeks, but I've prayed, and I'm confronting my issues with a fresh face and a positive attitude. I can do this.
However, a vacation home, to Oregon (notice I don't say Tillamook, as I don't consider it my home) will make things a little easier.
Let's see, what else.
Work is still going great. It's stressful, as the job requires alot of me, but I earned some Target Gift Cards and a $60.00 and $90.00 bonus in the last two weeks. Those little bonus' pay off for working a little bit more each day.
I'm still living with my Auntie, but doing some house hunting to find a place of my own. It's challenging, as I don't have concrete roommates, but I'm sure it will all work out.
I'm single, as always. I've been on a few dates, no magic, no butterflies. I have gone out on some dates, but I'm not 'seeing' anyone . I've been painfully emotionless in that category since I got here. Oh well, I can't go looking for things like that.
And that's about it.
Randomness.
*Lets see, I loved the movie PS I Love You and was kind of a fan of 27 Dresses.
*I loved my awesome cheese care package I got in the mail the other day and completely exposed my branch to the love that is Tillamook Cheese products. Garlic Chili Pepper may start to be ordered in mass quantities from SLC Utah.
*I'm way excited that Obama is sure to become the Democratic Presidential Nominee. I'm not excited that that hag Clinton has stayed in the race and distracted the unifying of the Democratic Party.
and yah.
that's all.
loves.
Shanny
Monday, May 5, 2008
War
Curses!
So much for peace-talks. The one source of outside opinion we’ve heard on the war, as we obviously don’t listen to the general opinion of our own people, and we’ve lost it.
“We believe the talks will not be held given the current situation (in Iraq),” Iran’s Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad Ali Hosseini told reporters during his weekly press briefing Monday.
“What we are witnessing is open and extensive bombing of the Iraqi nation, while the main goal of talks with the American side would have been security and peace in Iraq,” said Hosseini. “It is a matter of doubt that the U.S. is pursuing a solution for the crisis, which was caused by them.”’
*sigh*
Will this war ever end?
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Realizations Via Text
So, today I had a realization over text with my best gay friend in the whole world, (best friend period), and it went something like this:
***yada yada yada....talking about other stuff***
then:
Shan: Good! Is life looking up for you?
Bestie: It's finally starting to.
Shan: Wonderous
Bestie: absolutely...how are you girl?
Shan: Good. Embracing what is Utah. Met a sweet boy (nothing serious will happen), new friends, doing good at work. Missing you!
Bestie: Good....I'm so glad to hear that boo....I'm so happy for you.
Shan:As much as Utah is not Oregon, It's starting to really grow on me. I'm loving my family more each day, meeting people, and trying tons of new things. I think I want to move more often.
Bestie: omg...is this the same girl that called me like 2 months ago crying on the phone?? I'm so proud of you! You've grown and are still growing and becoming much stronger!
Shan: I'm proud too :)
And that was it. He made me realize that it was just 2 months ago I was in tears from being lonely and homesick. I wanted nothing more then to drive to the nearest friend and I had none. Now, I'm out expanding; going to concerts, comedy shows, hiking. I've found some people I really enjoy and I feel like I get to know that family I never knew...a little bit more everyday.
When I moved, I was confident. I've always felt I could do anything, and heck, I've moved alot, so what was one more? But this move was alot harder for me; the people here are different then any west coast state and the area is much harder to adjust to. I was an entire day's drive away from any friend, and that was a new experience as well. Any west coast state I've lived in allowed me to always be less then 8 hours from home.
Point being, this move was rough. I never was at a point where I wanted to return to Oregon (maybe fly for a visit), but it was definitely a change worth some serious tears.
But I'm doing it, with a fairly dry face.
And today, on this awesome Sunday...
***yada yada yada....talking about other stuff***
then:
Shan: Good! Is life looking up for you?
Bestie: It's finally starting to.
Shan: Wonderous
Bestie: absolutely...how are you girl?
Shan: Good. Embracing what is Utah. Met a sweet boy (nothing serious will happen), new friends, doing good at work. Missing you!
Bestie: Good....I'm so glad to hear that boo....I'm so happy for you.
Shan:As much as Utah is not Oregon, It's starting to really grow on me. I'm loving my family more each day, meeting people, and trying tons of new things. I think I want to move more often.
Bestie: omg...is this the same girl that called me like 2 months ago crying on the phone?? I'm so proud of you! You've grown and are still growing and becoming much stronger!
Shan: I'm proud too :)
And that was it. He made me realize that it was just 2 months ago I was in tears from being lonely and homesick. I wanted nothing more then to drive to the nearest friend and I had none. Now, I'm out expanding; going to concerts, comedy shows, hiking. I've found some people I really enjoy and I feel like I get to know that family I never knew...a little bit more everyday.
When I moved, I was confident. I've always felt I could do anything, and heck, I've moved alot, so what was one more? But this move was alot harder for me; the people here are different then any west coast state and the area is much harder to adjust to. I was an entire day's drive away from any friend, and that was a new experience as well. Any west coast state I've lived in allowed me to always be less then 8 hours from home.
Point being, this move was rough. I never was at a point where I wanted to return to Oregon (maybe fly for a visit), but it was definitely a change worth some serious tears.
But I'm doing it, with a fairly dry face.
And today, on this awesome Sunday...
I realized Utah isn't so bad after all :)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Pologamy
Most anyone who knows me, knows I really don’t have time for TV. I usually only watch the news and maybe a scandalous Reality TV show or two, but in the months since I’ve been exposed to TV again (since I got to Utah), I’ve really found I don’t really watch it at all.
I often get my daily fill of the news at work, during my down time.
I start my everyday with MSNBC and Googlenews.
Today, my choice of news was the Polygamy Scandal.
Now usually, I’m much to lazy to blog about what I’m feeling, but for one reason or another, my brain is slightly taken over by this scandal.
I know, I know, this story has been in headlines for awhile now, and I have noticed it, but until now I haven’t read much into it.
I often get calls from home, checking to see how I am. Lately, a favorite tagline has been:
“So is Utah upset about the Polygamy stuff? You know…the Mormons and what-not?”
I just respond with the fact that I have no idea and it’s none of my concern.
Today, I read up.
...........
I can’t help but have every inch my heart hurt.
These children have never known anything but the confines of their cult land in El Derado . They don’t know who our President is, who Elvis was, that there is a war going on…anything. Now I know, a lot of that is negative anyway, but to be stripped and cut off from the events that are making history in our everyday society is…unheard of. Though it can be negative, war and other daily happenings, I believe, is a healthy dose of the obvious diverse society our Lord has created. The girls, subject to being child brides and teen mothers…never fully embracing a long lasting, mistake-making, lesson-learning childhood; a childhood that would prepare them for the world of adult hood. Just confinement, strict exposure to the few purposes that women serve on the “Yearning for Zion Ranch. The boys, molested and born into the role of a perpetrator. I imagine the sweet young soul of a young boy like my nephew, being crafted into believing it’s okay to commit such acts of sin against women, and even worse, that God was thankful and encouraging of those duties.
13 years old…and a mother.
416…children in a state of disarray.
350+…lawyers representing these families.
I understand the battle for civil rights, and the arguments as the whether it is just to take these children without clear cut evidence, but I can’t help but beg for an exception to our civil liberties.
But then what kind of country would we be, in our laws and judicial system if we allowed exceptions to our laws? Sigh, a faulty one, I know.
I almost have a bit of sadness in my heart for these mothers as well. These women were raised the same way their children are being raised, and they parent the only way they have ever been exposed. Essentially, we can take some of the blame of their shoulders. Truly, they have never (and don’t take that emphasism lightly) never known any other way. This is what is right to them, just like our morals and standards are justified to us. They do share a similar emotion as say a “normal mother” in that being they have had their child/children taken away. There is no stronger emotion and attachment then to a mother and her child, and I feel for the separation they are experiencing.
I just wish that these women could be exposed to the general consensus of what is wrong and what is right. I am not one to judge, but deep down I want them to know what it is really like to feel the Lord Jesus Christ and what his word is. I want them to feel him in their hearts and realize the gifts they are stripping from their children and themselves. I just want them to have a better life and knowing of the Lord.
My heart is so angry with the “leaders” of this church. How dare they take it upon themselves, as a message from God nonetheless, to decide that a young girl is ready for sex after her first menstruation. Becoming grandmothers and even great grand-mothers so young…it’s terrible. They use these girls as vessels for sexual gratification and as only profitable in making children.
Moreso, I’m outraged with those who defend these actions through the debate of comparison. Some ask to compare these children to those in modern day society; those with STD’s and participating in unholy sexual acts; that the compound was beneficial in some way. Wrong. It is one thing for a grown, mature, adult woman to choose a polygamus relationship, or a teen to herself make that decision, but it is a completely different argument when a young woman on the verge of puberty is thrown at a grown man…under the disguise of religion, under fear of eternal damnation, to participate forcefully in sexual acts. They are assured that this truly is the way our beautiful Savior would want to them to live. Refusal is the key to being a pox on your family and being banned from eternal life with the Lord. There is simply no comparison. These men, BELIEVE they are ordained by God. I can’t breathe when I think that right here in the United States of America, there are “daddies” trading their daughters away like baseball cards. It's slavery and a full system of organized crime right in our backyard. Comparison is not an argument.
Next, the debate of whether it was just to take the children from their home. Those ideas, opinions, outbursts that these children have been kidnapped by the state is complete flippin blasphemy. When did a rescue mission to save children from the monstrosities being committed upon them by old men…become kidnapping? When did kidnapping become so easily confused with saving the mothers and children from an endless cycle of abuse and sexual sickness? What if your child was thrust into a “spiritual marriage”? Into manipulation, entrapment, guilt, and forced to distrust anyone outside their compound? There is simply no comparison to kidnapping, none at all. Polygamists break the laws of our country by raping young girls for their own pleasure why young men watch as a learning lesson. The justification in removing the children is not an argument, it was a blessing.
These people, these who are fighting that the state is in the wrong, the one’s who accuse my ideas of being those of a Socialist, take any chance to protest our government. Please believe that I too don’t agree with some aspects within our judicial system. However, to suggest there is no concrete evidence whatsoever to take children away, that this is one more chip away at our rights bestowed upon us by our Constitution, is absurd. You protesters, have you not done your research? Please don’t tell me I am jumping on the propaganda bandwagon, when you yourself are chomping at the bit to find some way to discredit our government. I can assure you, you will need to find it else where; find some other news story to light on fire. Do you not know the fact that these people justify incest through their belief in the Adam/God doctrine? That they find justification in the murder of a run away woman through the doctrine of Blood Atonement? Or maybe that the males rationalize putting their families on welfare instead of financially supporting them to “bleed the beast”. Don’t accuse me of my bandwagon membership until you read the Utah and Arizona Attorney General's Office Report on the abuse of children of polygamous cults. Kidnapping? Abduction? Bottom line, Our rights, religious freedoms…are abolished when we harm another person.
I’ve gone off topic, I know. I started this blog explaining the anxiety, sickness, and sadness I felt for the life these people have never known, the life they are experiencing, the life without a true understanding of the Lord and the atmosphere of pain each person involved is feeling. It’s emotionally frustrating for me to accept the idea that until this community steps over that fine line of the law, flamboyantly, our constitutional law protects their right to commit their widely unaccepted acts…in the name of religion. Sure, their children are taken away for now, but throughout history, The Supreme Court of the United States has consistently ruled that an anonymous tip (the justification behind the raid) is never a form of probable cause. These children, will most likely go back. On paper, the YFZ Ranch is essentially just another religious community, who like many other religious communities, chose to live a life that is different from our mainstream culture. Until a formal trial is held, with more then an anonymous tip, the sect is free to exist.
It kills me inside. It really does. Please, if you read this, pray. Pray for the education and freedom needed for these people to be released from their cult; from the only sickening standards they have ever known. Pray that the Lord be with these children as they are exposed to a society, a truly foreign world, to which they have never known, and that as they make transitions, their foster families accommodate and love them. Just…pray.
Stories like this, can truly make you thankful for another day in suburbia.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Update
Holey Moley it has been awhile since I blogged.
Excuse the typos, of course.
Maybe that’s a good sign right? Meaning I’m getting away from drowning my homesick sorrows in my daily journal?
I’ll admit, I have been finding more things to do. Here’s a few updates.
1. Globe Radio: After countless Saturdays enjoying and supporting our local artists, I stepped in one night to see our talent was being recorded for Globe Radio’s Acoustic Saturdays. I conversed with Nate about what was going on and eventually sat down with the owner to discuss some radio work. I told him I had 4yrs+ experience and he invited me to come put my voice on the air this last Saturday. I woke up bright and early, ran to Walmart despite my hatred (read about that here), and then gave Nate a call to see where he was at. He was completely asleep, said he stayed up watching a show on lions (idiot), and I drove over to wake him up. We discussed the High Point CD and eventually made our way over to the SLCC campus. That morning we were slated to interview Nick Dibble and Jack Peck with the Bonfire conspiracy. Both local artists, one much more talented then the other. Nick was great. I’m sad to see us lose his talent to Seattle, where he is moving to next week. But we got a great interview out of him and helped him get a few recordings down to take with him. Jack Peck…and his bandits…not so much. 16/17 year old dreamers who need a lot of practice. I asked them about their hopes & dreams for the future, careers…etc. They were set on being rockstars and I was set on getting them off the air. They did bring along a groupie, who read some of his personally written slam poetry. I thoroughly enjoyed it as his writing is incredibly talented. I spoke with him about some of my favorite slam poets, chose some songs for the playlist and I was out the door.
All in all, it rocked. I loved behind the mic again. The owner was really impressed with me and wanted to help me get recording my sets to send out to local stations. I politely confessed my lack of faith in such a dying industry, and he only agreed. Truth is, 4 out of 5 stations are run by an automated program. You may think you are hearing your local DJ, but really you are hearing one man in NYC selling his voice talents to hundreds of stations. With the addition of satellite radio…the day and era of the Disc Jockey is just about dead. In all my protesting against an actual career in the radio biz, he still urged that I get sets recorded to send out as he didn’t want to see “such a natural talent wasted”. I was flattered, and agreed. I’m also in the works of formatting my own show, and will be on live once a week. Cool, aye?
2. Housing: After dashing out the door, I was off to have coffee with a future roommate. Recently, I put an ad on KSL (the Utah craigslist essentially) looking for roommates and houses. I found an awesome roomie named Sarah and we came together in finding Curtis. He’s a fun, mild-mannered guy who was getting ready to rent a townhome. Both Sarah and I hated the place and so now the three of us are banding together to find the perfect 3BD 2BA house. The nice thing about Utah is that most all the houses here are really really really nice. I can rent here, paying only about $50.00-100.00 more, a house 10x nicer then any house I ever rented in Oregon. A majority of the homes were built in the last 5 years as well. I hope to move soon and the second I do, you will have pictures of my beautiful new home. Both Sarah and Curtis rock, so I can’t wait.
3. Unknown Anthem & the music scene: Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time going to shows and checking out more of the talent in UT. A majority of my music time is spent with the guys of Unknown Anthem helping to promote their shows. They had an awesomely successful CD release on Saturday and the after-party was even better. It was little too much fun if you know what I mean.
“Oh just leave me in the grass, the cold feels so good Shaun!
“Shannon, I’m not leaving you in the yard.”
“But Shaun, we camp all in the time in Oregon, it’s just like that!”
“Shannon, get up”
“Party Pooper”
“Look, I’m gunna do the Nixon!”
“Michelle, hold my hand!”
“Don’t worry, I won’t let go”
“insert random quotes and impersonations from Titantic HERE*
Oh and so much more….
They’ve been great welcoming friends to me since I got here, so I do what I can to help promote their band. Not to mention, I love their music. They won Utah Battle of Bands last year and have an awesome show coming up Friday at the Avalon if anyone wants to come!
4.Work: Consumes me. My job gets harder and harder every week. My responsibilities are endless. Ugh.
5.Lovelife: Is…unique. As always. Still yet to find someone who is not a sleezeball, not a pushover, and fits my other silly picky standards. I will admit, I met someone I am maybe kinda sorta interested. I refuse to elaborate as normally the second I get excited about someone/something, it disappears. Just know, there is a boy who makes me smile when I think about him. I found a song the other day that makes me laugh as someone pointed out it fits my picky standards. Pink-Alone & Lonely. Just download and listen to it, it’s the best.
6.Odds&Ends: Thank goodness, Mesa is coming to visit in June. I miss him so much. Saw The Ruins and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Forgetting was good, though I saw too much of the main characters package several times. The Ruins I expected to be scarier but was completely not.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Beach Walkers
It gently rained in Utah today.
It’s days like this I could really go for a nice long walk on the Oregon Coast. Put on a nice jacket, my moccasins, hop in my fusion and drive her to the beach. Park my car, step out and let the wet rain cool my heated stresses and concerns, and walk it out. Lay a blanket down, slip my mocs off, curl my toes in the sand, and interpret the waves for awhile. As I sit at my desk, I can close my eyes and picture the ocean. Today, I’m sure the pale skies are turning the blue waves into numerous troublesome shades, and the beach would be empty.
Except for beach walkers like me.
I'm going home early...
Monday, April 14, 2008
=(
=(
and nothing makes it any better.
Nothing soothes it, nothing makes the time float by quicker, changes the situation. It's all on me, my patience, and my ability to live without it.
Yep. You guessed it. My posts may be emo for awhile...I'm officially, discouraged and down.
and nothing makes it any better.
Nothing soothes it, nothing makes the time float by quicker, changes the situation. It's all on me, my patience, and my ability to live without it.
Yep. You guessed it. My posts may be emo for awhile...I'm officially, discouraged and down.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A plan.
I am so impatient.
I just want happiness, financial stability, love, marriage, babies, crazy life stories, friendships...to all just fall into place.
I adore looking at my cousins/friends, married and planning their life, getting big cute houses, making babies...
but surely I love the crazy club hopping, concert going, spontaneity of my current life...
Such impatience. Some day I'll learn to trust that God has a plan...a plan with a timeline.
Agh.
Much love
I just want happiness, financial stability, love, marriage, babies, crazy life stories, friendships...to all just fall into place.
I adore looking at my cousins/friends, married and planning their life, getting big cute houses, making babies...
but surely I love the crazy club hopping, concert going, spontaneity of my current life...
Such impatience. Some day I'll learn to trust that God has a plan...a plan with a timeline.
Agh.
Much love
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
