blog

I feel like I NEED to blog, even if I have nothing to say. Everyday, I think about it, and never do it.

I always have something I want to say.

In fact, I've built up so much in my gut that instead of letting my fingers flow them gently out of my brain...as I would in my normal blog-nature....I would vomit them onto the keyboard.

Until someone pops my guts with proverbial needle, it's safe not to expect any emotion vomit...but I feel like it should be noted in my blog that it exists.

Right now I'm sitting outside on the cement steps of my house in Utah. The last time I blogged was in Oregon. Recently I came home, airfare paid via loving friends, and spent some quality time in the wild. I had actually planned on attending a few parties and definitely hitting up the clubs but ended up avoiding that scene all together. Instead, I spent time with the better half of my heart....my bestie Chris. I brought him home to the farm, the beach, the mountains and showed my cityboy best friend what world I grew up in. He embraced it, loved it and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share it with. I saw Moge a bit, but she was busy and we didn't get to spend the kind of time two life partners should normally get together. I saw a few old friends, snapped a picture here and there, but all in all... I spent alot of time alone.

Often I found myself driving to see someone and would become consumed in thought. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I was desperately in need of a time and place to sort it out. My brain was completely falling short of the amount of receptors it needed to fully process all the swirling; it was complete and total consumption. After driving with a mind cloud for a bit...I pulled down back road and drove straight to the riverside.

It was peaceful.

In fact, I would almost dare to describe it as perfect.

I blogged about it, the first attempt at expressing myself in a while, but my computer ate the document and it has since disappeared. It's a sad story. I blogged about something I've put away for a long time, my first memories in Tillamook and the house I spent them in. I don't remember allot of my child years, whether they be uninteresting, undesirable, or just unattainable...I rarely have a concise, vivid memory from being a kid. In Oregon, I went back to that house, or rather the land it was on as someone had burned it down. I sat in the grass, and breathed in some visuals I hadn't seen since first experiencing them. It was an experience I won't forget.

It was just one of the many places I sat and had time to think while in Oregon. I couldn't have asked for a better trip home.

Back to now. As said, here I sit, on the steps. I'm hungry, cold, wearing large yellow earrings and turquoise hoodie. I'm currently trying to decide whether I'm going to eat dinner. Interesting... aren't I?

Um, I think I'm going to vomit.
Oh Vomit.

I'm mad at myself, I think. I'm unsure really. I never really get upset with myself honestly. I know I always do things for one reason or another and that each thing I do...I was intended to experience. Does that make sense?

Even when I royally screw up, I may panic for a few moments, but then I remember life's effervescent ability to work itself out. I chill, and move on.

Yet right now, I'm consumed with some of the things I wish I hadn't done...almost contemplating regret...something I don't think I've ever questioned. I don't regret; I learn, I move on, I utilize what knowledge I can take away from any questionable situation and find a lesson in it. I'm always sure that my "mistakes" are just God's way of letting me make my own decisions; his way of letting me find lessons in difficult times so I can better prepare myself for later on in life. And though I'm sure this is just another drive down "Lesson Lane", I'm mad at myself for ever letting it happen in the first place. I'm not at ease with myself, content with the thought that I will just "work through it" and learn from, or in any way okay with what I have put myself in.

I'm sure of it, I'm genuinely angry at myself.

I'm not ready to go in to detail about the cause of all this, but I will just say one thing.

I'm not financially invincible and I can't live like I am anymore.

My stomach is so hungry at this point that it's making shifty eyes at my other organs...the cannibalistic type. I should probably go eat.

toodleloo.
Shannon

Coldplay,

Oh goodness, I almost forgot just how much I love Coldplay.

Listening to The Scientist right now. This song makes me feel wonderful all over....

The Scientist-Coldplay

Come up to meet you,
tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Comet tails
Heads on the science apart,

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Come tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
All in a rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start...

Blogblock

I'm surely cursed with bloggersblock.

Looking at the dates that show the last time I blogged...it's a sad story right there.

I don't even know what to say right now, though I feel it's important I do say something, rather then say nothing at all.

First and foremost, I'm coming home the 23rd-27th. I truly have the best friends in the whole world; friends that reach out to me when I'm so down I'm not functioning, and grant me (without asking I might add) an easy solution. That solution being a plane ticket home.

I cannot wait to see Mesa's smiling face and catch up with the number one man in my life. He honestly is one of the few men I trust, he's never done me wrong, and I can't wait to hug someone so near and dear to my heart. I almost lost him due to outside circumstances this year, and I can't wait to see him and tell him how much I love him! Having a best friend like him, is truly something to be thankful for. He's taught me alot of things, and I couldn't be more thankful for such a wonderful rock in my life.

The same goes with Moge; the only girl I've ever truly befriended. Sure I've had girlfriends in the past, but never did I know with every inch of me that any of them would surely be my friend for life. And that's how it is with Morgan. We have had small tiffs here and there, none of which are big enough to remember, but she's a smart chick, and we just get each other. So, in the midst of a disagreement, we glare at each other, say we "hate" each other, throw out some honest opinions...and then start laughing, and life moves on. She's my better half, and the downest chick I've ever met. Her life was also put in danger this year and I was then overwhelmed with the feeling of what could have happened if her condition worsened. Again, can't wait to hug such an awesome person.

Of course I can't wait to see others I miss so much. My brother & my nephews being a big part of that. My Bro and I need some sibling time and there is mas Tequila to be had there. Can't wait eat some of my Auntie Loretta's yummy food, catch up, and seek advice for the future. She never lets me down for a good chat and the feeling of being loved. I'm also excited to spend some time with the Leutholds. Bring Kimmie some coffee, butt heads with Todd, see my sissy Ash, be overwhelmed with food and love by Carol, tease Bryan, and of course, see my cows =]. I'm also seeing and having lunch with some friends I haven't seen in forever; it'll be nice to catch up and see where they are in there lives.

Seeing a new/old friend as well. Andre. That outta be interesting.

All in all, I'm counting down the days. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying Utah, I am finding my niche, and I'm not moving back home yet. But these last couple of weeks, have been surprisingly hard for me. I just went into detail about it and decided to delete it instead. It's just been a teary-eyed, on the edge, anxiety filled two weeks, but I've prayed, and I'm confronting my issues with a fresh face and a positive attitude. I can do this.

However, a vacation home, to Oregon (notice I don't say Tillamook, as I don't consider it my home) will make things a little easier.

Let's see, what else.

Work is still going great. It's stressful, as the job requires alot of me, but I earned some Target Gift Cards and a $60.00 and $90.00 bonus in the last two weeks. Those little bonus' pay off for working a little bit more each day.

I'm still living with my Auntie, but doing some house hunting to find a place of my own. It's challenging, as I don't have concrete roommates, but I'm sure it will all work out.

I'm single, as always. I've been on a few dates, no magic, no butterflies. I have gone out on some dates, but I'm not 'seeing' anyone . I've been painfully emotionless in that category since I got here. Oh well, I can't go looking for things like that.

And that's about it.

Randomness.

*Lets see, I loved the movie PS I Love You and was kind of a fan of 27 Dresses.

*I loved my awesome cheese care package I got in the mail the other day and completely exposed my branch to the love that is Tillamook Cheese products. Garlic Chili Pepper may start to be ordered in mass quantities from SLC Utah.

*I'm way excited that Obama is sure to become the Democratic Presidential Nominee. I'm not excited that that hag Clinton has stayed in the race and distracted the unifying of the Democratic Party.

and yah.
that's all.
loves.
Shanny

War

Curses!

So much for peace-talks. The one source of outside opinion we’ve heard on the war, as we obviously don’t listen to the general opinion of our own people, and we’ve lost it.

“We believe the talks will not be held given the current situation (in Iraq),” Iran’s Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad Ali Hosseini told reporters during his weekly press briefing Monday.

“What we are witnessing is open and extensive bombing of the Iraqi nation, while the main goal of talks with the American side would have been security and peace in Iraq,” said Hosseini. “It is a matter of doubt that the U.S. is pursuing a solution for the crisis, which was caused by them.”’

*sigh*

Will this war ever end?

Realizations Via Text

So, today I had a realization over text with my best gay friend in the whole world, (best friend period), and it went something like this:

***yada yada yada....talking about other stuff***

then:

Shan: Good! Is life looking up for you?

Bestie: It's finally starting to.

Shan: Wonderous

Bestie: absolutely...how are you girl?

Shan: Good. Embracing what is Utah. Met a sweet boy (nothing serious will happen), new friends, doing good at work. Missing you!

Bestie: Good....I'm so glad to hear that boo....I'm so happy for you.

Shan:As much as Utah is not Oregon, It's starting to really grow on me. I'm loving my family more each day, meeting people, and trying tons of new things. I think I want to move more often.

Bestie: omg...is this the same girl that called me like 2 months ago crying on the phone?? I'm so proud of you! You've grown and are still growing and becoming much stronger!

Shan: I'm proud too :)


And that was it. He made me realize that it was just 2 months ago I was in tears from being lonely and homesick. I wanted nothing more then to drive to the nearest friend and I had none. Now, I'm out expanding; going to concerts, comedy shows, hiking. I've found some people I really enjoy and I feel like I get to know that family I never knew...a little bit more everyday.

When I moved, I was confident. I've always felt I could do anything, and heck, I've moved alot, so what was one more? But this move was alot harder for me; the people here are different then any west coast state and the area is much harder to adjust to. I was an entire day's drive away from any friend, and that was a new experience as well. Any west coast state I've lived in allowed me to always be less then 8 hours from home.

Point being, this move was rough. I never was at a point where I wanted to return to Oregon (maybe fly for a visit), but it was definitely a change worth some serious tears.

But I'm doing it, with a fairly dry face.

And today, on this awesome Sunday...

I realized Utah isn't so bad after all :)

Pologamy

Most anyone who knows me, knows I really don’t have time for TV. I usually only watch the news and maybe a scandalous Reality TV show or two, but in the months since I’ve been exposed to TV again (since I got to Utah), I’ve really found I don’t really watch it at all.

I often get my daily fill of the news at work, during my down time.

I start my everyday with MSNBC and Googlenews.

Today, my choice of news was the Polygamy Scandal.

Now usually, I’m much to lazy to blog about what I’m feeling, but for one reason or another, my brain is slightly taken over by this scandal.

I know, I know, this story has been in headlines for awhile now, and I have noticed it, but until now I haven’t read much into it.

I often get calls from home, checking to see how I am. Lately, a favorite tagline has been:

“So is Utah upset about the Polygamy stuff? You know…the Mormons and what-not?”

I just respond with the fact that I have no idea and it’s none of my concern.

Today, I read up.

...........

I can’t help but have every inch my heart hurt.

These children have never known anything but the confines of their cult land in El Derado . They don’t know who our President is, who Elvis was, that there is a war going on…anything. Now I know, a lot of that is negative anyway, but to be stripped and cut off from the events that are making history in our everyday society is…unheard of. Though it can be negative, war and other daily happenings, I believe, is a healthy dose of the obvious diverse society our Lord has created. The girls, subject to being child brides and teen mothers…never fully embracing a long lasting, mistake-making, lesson-learning childhood; a childhood that would prepare them for the world of adult hood. Just confinement, strict exposure to the few purposes that women serve on the “Yearning for Zion Ranch. The boys, molested and born into the role of a perpetrator. I imagine the sweet young soul of a young boy like my nephew, being crafted into believing it’s okay to commit such acts of sin against women, and even worse, that God was thankful and encouraging of those duties.

13 years old…and a mother.

416…children in a state of disarray.

350+…lawyers representing these families.

I understand the battle for civil rights, and the arguments as the whether it is just to take these children without clear cut evidence, but I can’t help but beg for an exception to our civil liberties.

But then what kind of country would we be, in our laws and judicial system if we allowed exceptions to our laws? Sigh, a faulty one, I know.

I almost have a bit of sadness in my heart for these mothers as well. These women were raised the same way their children are being raised, and they parent the only way they have ever been exposed. Essentially, we can take some of the blame of their shoulders. Truly, they have never (and don’t take that emphasism lightly) never known any other way. This is what is right to them, just like our morals and standards are justified to us. They do share a similar emotion as say a “normal mother” in that being they have had their child/children taken away. There is no stronger emotion and attachment then to a mother and her child, and I feel for the separation they are experiencing.

I just wish that these women could be exposed to the general consensus of what is wrong and what is right. I am not one to judge, but deep down I want them to know what it is really like to feel the Lord Jesus Christ and what his word is. I want them to feel him in their hearts and realize the gifts they are stripping from their children and themselves. I just want them to have a better life and knowing of the Lord.

My heart is so angry with the “leaders” of this church. How dare they take it upon themselves, as a message from God nonetheless, to decide that a young girl is ready for sex after her first menstruation. Becoming grandmothers and even great grand-mothers so young…it’s terrible. They use these girls as vessels for sexual gratification and as only profitable in making children.

Moreso, I’m outraged with those who defend these actions through the debate of comparison. Some ask to compare these children to those in modern day society; those with STD’s and participating in unholy sexual acts; that the compound was beneficial in some way. Wrong. It is one thing for a grown, mature, adult woman to choose a polygamus relationship, or a teen to herself make that decision, but it is a completely different argument when a young woman on the verge of puberty is thrown at a grown man…under the disguise of religion, under fear of eternal damnation, to participate forcefully in sexual acts. They are assured that this truly is the way our beautiful Savior would want to them to live. Refusal is the key to being a pox on your family and being banned from eternal life with the Lord. There is simply no comparison. These men, BELIEVE they are ordained by God. I can’t breathe when I think that right here in the United States of America, there are “daddies” trading their daughters away like baseball cards. It's slavery and a full system of organized crime right in our backyard. Comparison is not an argument.

Next, the debate of whether it was just to take the children from their home. Those ideas, opinions, outbursts that these children have been kidnapped by the state is complete flippin blasphemy. When did a rescue mission to save children from the monstrosities being committed upon them by old men…become kidnapping? When did kidnapping become so easily confused with saving the mothers and children from an endless cycle of abuse and sexual sickness? What if your child was thrust into a “spiritual marriage”? Into manipulation, entrapment, guilt, and forced to distrust anyone outside their compound? There is simply no comparison to kidnapping, none at all. Polygamists break the laws of our country by raping young girls for their own pleasure why young men watch as a learning lesson. The justification in removing the children is not an argument, it was a blessing.

These people, these who are fighting that the state is in the wrong, the one’s who accuse my ideas of being those of a Socialist, take any chance to protest our government. Please believe that I too don’t agree with some aspects within our judicial system. However, to suggest there is no concrete evidence whatsoever to take children away, that this is one more chip away at our rights bestowed upon us by our Constitution, is absurd. You protesters, have you not done your research? Please don’t tell me I am jumping on the propaganda bandwagon, when you yourself are chomping at the bit to find some way to discredit our government. I can assure you, you will need to find it else where; find some other news story to light on fire. Do you not know the fact that these people justify incest through their belief in the Adam/God doctrine? That they find justification in the murder of a run away woman through the doctrine of Blood Atonement? Or maybe that the males rationalize putting their families on welfare instead of financially supporting them to “bleed the beast”. Don’t accuse me of my bandwagon membership until you read the Utah and Arizona Attorney General's Office Report on the abuse of children of polygamous cults. Kidnapping? Abduction? Bottom line, Our rights, religious freedoms…are abolished when we harm another person.

I’ve gone off topic, I know. I started this blog explaining the anxiety, sickness, and sadness I felt for the life these people have never known, the life they are experiencing, the life without a true understanding of the Lord and the atmosphere of pain each person involved is feeling. It’s emotionally frustrating for me to accept the idea that until this community steps over that fine line of the law, flamboyantly, our constitutional law protects their right to commit their widely unaccepted acts…in the name of religion. Sure, their children are taken away for now, but throughout history, The Supreme Court of the United States has consistently ruled that an anonymous tip (the justification behind the raid) is never a form of probable cause. These children, will most likely go back. On paper, the YFZ Ranch is essentially just another religious community, who like many other religious communities, chose to live a life that is different from our mainstream culture. Until a formal trial is held, with more then an anonymous tip, the sect is free to exist.

It kills me inside. It really does. Please, if you read this, pray. Pray for the education and freedom needed for these people to be released from their cult; from the only sickening standards they have ever known. Pray that the Lord be with these children as they are exposed to a society, a truly foreign world, to which they have never known, and that as they make transitions, their foster families accommodate and love them. Just…pray.

Stories like this, can truly make you thankful for another day in suburbia.

Update

Holey Moley it has been awhile since I blogged.

Excuse the typos, of course.

Maybe that’s a good sign right? Meaning I’m getting away from drowning my homesick sorrows in my daily journal?

I’ll admit, I have been finding more things to do. Here’s a few updates.

1. Globe Radio: After countless Saturdays enjoying and supporting our local artists, I stepped in one night to see our talent was being recorded for Globe Radio’s Acoustic Saturdays. I conversed with Nate about what was going on and eventually sat down with the owner to discuss some radio work. I told him I had 4yrs+ experience and he invited me to come put my voice on the air this last Saturday. I woke up bright and early, ran to Walmart despite my hatred (read about that here), and then gave Nate a call to see where he was at. He was completely asleep, said he stayed up watching a show on lions (idiot), and I drove over to wake him up. We discussed the High Point CD and eventually made our way over to the SLCC campus. That morning we were slated to interview Nick Dibble and Jack Peck with the Bonfire conspiracy. Both local artists, one much more talented then the other. Nick was great. I’m sad to see us lose his talent to Seattle, where he is moving to next week. But we got a great interview out of him and helped him get a few recordings down to take with him. Jack Peck…and his bandits…not so much. 16/17 year old dreamers who need a lot of practice. I asked them about their hopes & dreams for the future, careers…etc. They were set on being rockstars and I was set on getting them off the air. They did bring along a groupie, who read some of his personally written slam poetry. I thoroughly enjoyed it as his writing is incredibly talented. I spoke with him about some of my favorite slam poets, chose some songs for the playlist and I was out the door.

All in all, it rocked. I loved behind the mic again. The owner was really impressed with me and wanted to help me get recording my sets to send out to local stations. I politely confessed my lack of faith in such a dying industry, and he only agreed. Truth is, 4 out of 5 stations are run by an automated program. You may think you are hearing your local DJ, but really you are hearing one man in NYC selling his voice talents to hundreds of stations. With the addition of satellite radio…the day and era of the Disc Jockey is just about dead. In all my protesting against an actual career in the radio biz, he still urged that I get sets recorded to send out as he didn’t want to see “such a natural talent wasted”. I was flattered, and agreed. I’m also in the works of formatting my own show, and will be on live once a week. Cool, aye?

2. Housing: After dashing out the door, I was off to have coffee with a future roommate. Recently, I put an ad on KSL (the Utah craigslist essentially) looking for roommates and houses. I found an awesome roomie named Sarah and we came together in finding Curtis. He’s a fun, mild-mannered guy who was getting ready to rent a townhome. Both Sarah and I hated the place and so now the three of us are banding together to find the perfect 3BD 2BA house. The nice thing about Utah is that most all the houses here are really really really nice. I can rent here, paying only about $50.00-100.00 more, a house 10x nicer then any house I ever rented in Oregon. A majority of the homes were built in the last 5 years as well. I hope to move soon and the second I do, you will have pictures of my beautiful new home. Both Sarah and Curtis rock, so I can’t wait.

3. Unknown Anthem & the music scene: Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time going to shows and checking out more of the talent in UT. A majority of my music time is spent with the guys of Unknown Anthem helping to promote their shows. They had an awesomely successful CD release on Saturday and the after-party was even better. It was little too much fun if you know what I mean.

“Oh just leave me in the grass, the cold feels so good Shaun!

“Shannon, I’m not leaving you in the yard.”

“But Shaun, we camp all in the time in Oregon, it’s just like that!”

“Shannon, get up”

“Party Pooper”

“Look, I’m gunna do the Nixon!”

“Michelle, hold my hand!”

“Don’t worry, I won’t let go”

“insert random quotes and impersonations from Titantic HERE*

Oh and so much more….

They’ve been great welcoming friends to me since I got here, so I do what I can to help promote their band. Not to mention, I love their music. They won Utah Battle of Bands last year and have an awesome show coming up Friday at the Avalon if anyone wants to come!

4.Work: Consumes me. My job gets harder and harder every week. My responsibilities are endless. Ugh.

5.Lovelife: Is…unique. As always. Still yet to find someone who is not a sleezeball, not a pushover, and fits my other silly picky standards. I will admit, I met someone I am maybe kinda sorta interested. I refuse to elaborate as normally the second I get excited about someone/something, it disappears. Just know, there is a boy who makes me smile when I think about him. I found a song the other day that makes me laugh as someone pointed out it fits my picky standards. Pink-Alone & Lonely. Just download and listen to it, it’s the best.

6.Odds&Ends: Thank goodness, Mesa is coming to visit in June. I miss him so much. Saw The Ruins and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Forgetting was good, though I saw too much of the main characters package several times. The Ruins I expected to be scarier but was completely not.