uh.

Blog! Just do it!

Yah, face it, I'm forcing words. But I'm making an attempt, and I want it to turn into the diligent blogging I used to obsess about. So here goes, it will be dull, it will be boring, but it WILL exist, and that's all that matters.


I feel this need to completely catch up my blog about what I've been up to, but it's been something like a month. With what time has passed I would end up typing a novel, and then it would be either not read or skimmed through. No bueno.

Let's see....

hmmmmm.

My fourth of July weekend was much better then last year. Though it's fairly easy to top being part of a firework misfire and being shot in the thigh with a mortar. I spent it with Saxon and met some of his friends. It was nice to spend it with someone I care about, and feel as if I had friends around me. Although they are NOT my friends, it still helped to curb the sting of missing my loves in Oregon. We went to a carnival, partied a bit, saw fireworks and slept. The fireworks show was a hit...specially when it caught a dry patch of land on fire.


It eventually turned into this:


Fun right?

All in all, hit a few parties this weekend, spent some time with Saxon and friends, and chilled.

I started planning my birthday bash, got absolutely NO cleaning done, and made some BOMB diggety pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

After realizing how much I hated TV, I also went for a walk. A stroll in the neighborhood will never compete with the beach, but it was nice to have the warm breeze on my legs.

Work is good, I get a small bonus this week and I'm planing some fun activities for a big wig that comes in mid-week. I'm also kicking off a few "Go Green" initiatives in hopes to make my work more eco-friendly.

All in all, still homesick, still craving new friends, and still drowning in debt. But I'm alive, tan, and breathing, so I can't really complain.

Shan

Surv

Hi, my name is: Shannon Marie

But you can call me: Shans

Never in my life have I: had the chicken pox

Sometimes I: make monkey faces

I have this funny nickname, it's: Amazon

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Why? I might never know. But he's tall, curly haired, blue eyed...good kisser and stubborn.

My high school is: ill-preparing students for higher education.

When I’m nervous: I breathe deep, and if it's really really bad, I try to runaway.

The last song I listened to was: "Get out Alive" Social Burn

If I were to get married right now it would be to: You.

My hair is: An unruly, un-tameable, bi-polar, chocolate colored mess. And much to long.

When I was 4: I saw Dean for the last time until I graduated.

Last Christmas: I lived with an amazing roommate.

I should be: Cleaning. That's always the answer.

When I look down I see: Eagles on my blue blue sweater.

The happiest recent event was: My happiness stems from conversations to Mesa. Other then that, I'm a sad little girl right now.

If I were a character on ‘Friends’ : um. I'm going to google that one.

It's a tie!

	You are part Monica. You have a go-all-out nature. Your friends better watch out, because you play to win. Also, when it comes to order and cleanliness, you're a bit obsessive compulsive. Your best trait, however, is your thoughtfulness. You go to great lengths to care for your friends.
	You are part Chandler. You're funny and that's why people like to have you around. You're also a great friend, and when someone you care about is in trouble, they know to come to you for some level-headed advice followed by some sharp sarcasm.

There ya go. I'd say accurate.


By this time next year: I will be happier.

My current gripe is: All that is petty.

I have a hard time understanding: Men, God's plan for me, Myself, Math.

There’s these girls: and they're girls.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My brother, and then Mesa.

I want to buy: freedom from financial debt.

I plan to visit: the Grand Canyon next week, though it probably won't work out.

If you spent the night at my house: you'd be at the wrong home; I don't have my own house.

The world could do without: High Fructose Corn Syrup

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Comida.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Tyler, a movie ticket to see The Strangers

My middle name is: Marie

In the morning I: Sleepy and smiley...until I oversleep.

Last night I was: thankful for the great advice my best friend Mesa can give.

There’s this guy I know who: I love.

If I was an animal I’d be a: Mermaid

A better name for me would be: Shannon. That's who I am, no doubt,

Tomorrow I am: going to be in hysterics. I'm going to the Dentist.

Tonight I am: changing plans from watching a movie with Tyler & Austin, and sleeping instead

My birthday is: soon. July 19th

stupid

Again, I'm forcing myself to blog. I have tons to say but no general urge to let it out.

In all my self aware capacity, I've realized I'm ultimately unhappy right now. It's like I can hop out of my body and see myself not talking, not smiling, not caring, not moving...but my brain still functions enough to realize it...but not do anything about it.

I can't figure out why I'm not my cheery self. Why I'm not abiding by my "life moves on", "be thankful for your surroundings" type of thinking.

I'm still scarce in words.

I'm just going to use pictures.

Somewhere in me I'm ecstatic about:

He may be a comic book geek at heart...but he is now officially the Democratic Nominee...and this voter is happy.

I'm worried about.


This is what my days feel like:



I know I should continue to be abiding by this:

But instead I'm definitely stressing about:



and am unhappy about

and the



I'm going to bed. This is stupid.

blog

I feel like I NEED to blog, even if I have nothing to say. Everyday, I think about it, and never do it.

I always have something I want to say.

In fact, I've built up so much in my gut that instead of letting my fingers flow them gently out of my brain...as I would in my normal blog-nature....I would vomit them onto the keyboard.

Until someone pops my guts with proverbial needle, it's safe not to expect any emotion vomit...but I feel like it should be noted in my blog that it exists.

Right now I'm sitting outside on the cement steps of my house in Utah. The last time I blogged was in Oregon. Recently I came home, airfare paid via loving friends, and spent some quality time in the wild. I had actually planned on attending a few parties and definitely hitting up the clubs but ended up avoiding that scene all together. Instead, I spent time with the better half of my heart....my bestie Chris. I brought him home to the farm, the beach, the mountains and showed my cityboy best friend what world I grew up in. He embraced it, loved it and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share it with. I saw Moge a bit, but she was busy and we didn't get to spend the kind of time two life partners should normally get together. I saw a few old friends, snapped a picture here and there, but all in all... I spent alot of time alone.

Often I found myself driving to see someone and would become consumed in thought. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I was desperately in need of a time and place to sort it out. My brain was completely falling short of the amount of receptors it needed to fully process all the swirling; it was complete and total consumption. After driving with a mind cloud for a bit...I pulled down back road and drove straight to the riverside.

It was peaceful.

In fact, I would almost dare to describe it as perfect.

I blogged about it, the first attempt at expressing myself in a while, but my computer ate the document and it has since disappeared. It's a sad story. I blogged about something I've put away for a long time, my first memories in Tillamook and the house I spent them in. I don't remember allot of my child years, whether they be uninteresting, undesirable, or just unattainable...I rarely have a concise, vivid memory from being a kid. In Oregon, I went back to that house, or rather the land it was on as someone had burned it down. I sat in the grass, and breathed in some visuals I hadn't seen since first experiencing them. It was an experience I won't forget.

It was just one of the many places I sat and had time to think while in Oregon. I couldn't have asked for a better trip home.

Back to now. As said, here I sit, on the steps. I'm hungry, cold, wearing large yellow earrings and turquoise hoodie. I'm currently trying to decide whether I'm going to eat dinner. Interesting... aren't I?

Um, I think I'm going to vomit.
Oh Vomit.

I'm mad at myself, I think. I'm unsure really. I never really get upset with myself honestly. I know I always do things for one reason or another and that each thing I do...I was intended to experience. Does that make sense?

Even when I royally screw up, I may panic for a few moments, but then I remember life's effervescent ability to work itself out. I chill, and move on.

Yet right now, I'm consumed with some of the things I wish I hadn't done...almost contemplating regret...something I don't think I've ever questioned. I don't regret; I learn, I move on, I utilize what knowledge I can take away from any questionable situation and find a lesson in it. I'm always sure that my "mistakes" are just God's way of letting me make my own decisions; his way of letting me find lessons in difficult times so I can better prepare myself for later on in life. And though I'm sure this is just another drive down "Lesson Lane", I'm mad at myself for ever letting it happen in the first place. I'm not at ease with myself, content with the thought that I will just "work through it" and learn from, or in any way okay with what I have put myself in.

I'm sure of it, I'm genuinely angry at myself.

I'm not ready to go in to detail about the cause of all this, but I will just say one thing.

I'm not financially invincible and I can't live like I am anymore.

My stomach is so hungry at this point that it's making shifty eyes at my other organs...the cannibalistic type. I should probably go eat.

toodleloo.
Shannon

Coldplay,

Oh goodness, I almost forgot just how much I love Coldplay.

Listening to The Scientist right now. This song makes me feel wonderful all over....

The Scientist-Coldplay

Come up to meet you,
tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Comet tails
Heads on the science apart,

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Come tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
All in a rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start...

Blogblock

I'm surely cursed with bloggersblock.

Looking at the dates that show the last time I blogged...it's a sad story right there.

I don't even know what to say right now, though I feel it's important I do say something, rather then say nothing at all.

First and foremost, I'm coming home the 23rd-27th. I truly have the best friends in the whole world; friends that reach out to me when I'm so down I'm not functioning, and grant me (without asking I might add) an easy solution. That solution being a plane ticket home.

I cannot wait to see Mesa's smiling face and catch up with the number one man in my life. He honestly is one of the few men I trust, he's never done me wrong, and I can't wait to hug someone so near and dear to my heart. I almost lost him due to outside circumstances this year, and I can't wait to see him and tell him how much I love him! Having a best friend like him, is truly something to be thankful for. He's taught me alot of things, and I couldn't be more thankful for such a wonderful rock in my life.

The same goes with Moge; the only girl I've ever truly befriended. Sure I've had girlfriends in the past, but never did I know with every inch of me that any of them would surely be my friend for life. And that's how it is with Morgan. We have had small tiffs here and there, none of which are big enough to remember, but she's a smart chick, and we just get each other. So, in the midst of a disagreement, we glare at each other, say we "hate" each other, throw out some honest opinions...and then start laughing, and life moves on. She's my better half, and the downest chick I've ever met. Her life was also put in danger this year and I was then overwhelmed with the feeling of what could have happened if her condition worsened. Again, can't wait to hug such an awesome person.

Of course I can't wait to see others I miss so much. My brother & my nephews being a big part of that. My Bro and I need some sibling time and there is mas Tequila to be had there. Can't wait eat some of my Auntie Loretta's yummy food, catch up, and seek advice for the future. She never lets me down for a good chat and the feeling of being loved. I'm also excited to spend some time with the Leutholds. Bring Kimmie some coffee, butt heads with Todd, see my sissy Ash, be overwhelmed with food and love by Carol, tease Bryan, and of course, see my cows =]. I'm also seeing and having lunch with some friends I haven't seen in forever; it'll be nice to catch up and see where they are in there lives.

Seeing a new/old friend as well. Andre. That outta be interesting.

All in all, I'm counting down the days. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying Utah, I am finding my niche, and I'm not moving back home yet. But these last couple of weeks, have been surprisingly hard for me. I just went into detail about it and decided to delete it instead. It's just been a teary-eyed, on the edge, anxiety filled two weeks, but I've prayed, and I'm confronting my issues with a fresh face and a positive attitude. I can do this.

However, a vacation home, to Oregon (notice I don't say Tillamook, as I don't consider it my home) will make things a little easier.

Let's see, what else.

Work is still going great. It's stressful, as the job requires alot of me, but I earned some Target Gift Cards and a $60.00 and $90.00 bonus in the last two weeks. Those little bonus' pay off for working a little bit more each day.

I'm still living with my Auntie, but doing some house hunting to find a place of my own. It's challenging, as I don't have concrete roommates, but I'm sure it will all work out.

I'm single, as always. I've been on a few dates, no magic, no butterflies. I have gone out on some dates, but I'm not 'seeing' anyone . I've been painfully emotionless in that category since I got here. Oh well, I can't go looking for things like that.

And that's about it.

Randomness.

*Lets see, I loved the movie PS I Love You and was kind of a fan of 27 Dresses.

*I loved my awesome cheese care package I got in the mail the other day and completely exposed my branch to the love that is Tillamook Cheese products. Garlic Chili Pepper may start to be ordered in mass quantities from SLC Utah.

*I'm way excited that Obama is sure to become the Democratic Presidential Nominee. I'm not excited that that hag Clinton has stayed in the race and distracted the unifying of the Democratic Party.

and yah.
that's all.
loves.
Shanny

War

Curses!

So much for peace-talks. The one source of outside opinion we’ve heard on the war, as we obviously don’t listen to the general opinion of our own people, and we’ve lost it.

“We believe the talks will not be held given the current situation (in Iraq),” Iran’s Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad Ali Hosseini told reporters during his weekly press briefing Monday.

“What we are witnessing is open and extensive bombing of the Iraqi nation, while the main goal of talks with the American side would have been security and peace in Iraq,” said Hosseini. “It is a matter of doubt that the U.S. is pursuing a solution for the crisis, which was caused by them.”’

*sigh*

Will this war ever end?