late night equations

I am without priorities. I live for me, for you, for now, for the moment, without represcussions. I wont say I live with out thinking, or don't think before I jump, as I always know what reprecussions I will face, but I never seem to care. I think, jump into the river, float down, fully realizing it has to get shallow and rocky somewhere and it could very well be a large section of the river, and yet I don't care. That one moment where I'm floating, doing as I please, is worth it. It's worth all the time spent digging myself outta the rocks. I create memories and burn bridges, blow the speed limit and blow money. I live for now and hunny it's killing me.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the right way to be living. Honestly, I admire those students who go to class, take everything in, pay all that money do all the homework & study (something I've yet to figure out how to do) and live at the same time. Me? I do what I want to do and stay happy the best I can. All I know, is I'm the least happiest when I'm sitting at a desk, drolling the time away writing how to configure velocity and gravity or writing how to pick apart a piece of poetry and spending a shitload of money to do just that. And to what? I get alot of knowledge, and a piece of paper that says I somehow made it through and got by and something to put on a resume. I get satisfaction and a career that ultimetly is my dream, but along with that I get debt, and the unsurity of if it's what I really want.

Honestly, I've been thinking practically lately.

I'm almost 20. I anticipate myself being married and hopefully having a family sometime within the next six years. I can't say for sure that it's going to happen, but it's when I want to setlle down and it's important to me to do so.

My biggest, most important goal and practically only priority in life?
Be a good mom & a loving, supportive wife.

Not get my degree, not travel the world, not make millions, just do what God intended me to do and that's devote my life to giving selflessly to my husband, children & family while loving myself at the same time.

And honestly, I don't need a degree to do that. I do need a degree to teach, but here comes that logic card again.

Back to the whole life plan of having kids and a family, 6 years yada yada yada.

As much as I won't committ to being a complete stay at home mom, as two incomes are needed in most any family, it is important to stay at home with my family and fufill the duties of a wife and mother. I can still work a job, but honestly, teaching most likely isn't the most practical route. Here I am, working another 3 or 4 years to finish my degree when I will then be 24. Statistically, I'm likely to have kids before I'm thirty, and when that time comes, I will absoultely refuse to raise my children in daycare. SO what does $64,000 and 5 years of college get me? A few years teaching and then the next howevermuch time spent paying it off. Yah, when my family is sustainable enough, I could go back to teaching, but by then requirements will have changed and I'm stuck wondering if it's really what I want to do. You can say I'm overthinking it, but honestly, I feel like the pieces of the equation are coming together.

Yah, I want to gain new knowledge and I love some of my classes half of the time, but when it comes down to it, I'm never more then halfhappy with college, and I'm sure I never will be. I never had to work in high school, most of my grades were based on how much work I did in Sports and Student Council and mabye thats a big contributor to it...I'm just lazy.

Who's knows. I guess I'll sleep on it.

Know this though. I don't sleep on things long. I pack, tear the map up and start anew.

Oh dear.

Shan
What I want: To work with kids, in some way or another. Mainly little ones