choking

Ugh, I'm stressing.

I don't know what to do, I'm so overwhelmed I can't take it! On top of homework, RHA office hours, RHA events, classes, I have to figure out what the heck I'm going to be doing here very soon. I'm fairly sure I'm not going to pass a class, as the lady is a Nazi and I've missed two classes, and the other two are so hard that if I don't fully dedicate myself to them, 24-7, I'm dead in the water.

I want to move to Beaverton/Portland area. It's simple. But I know I can't afford it on my own. I need someone there with me anyway, as moving to a big town with nobody out there I know, would scare me senseless. I want Morgan, she's the only one I know who could handle it and the only person I'd trust as a roomie. That's a big issue as I've had quite a few and it's really not worth living in the place if you can't at least trust or partially enjoy your roomie. It's a bad investment.

On the other hand, I have it made in Utah. A family that will love and support me, free rent, a transferable job, and well....family family family. It's a very attractive idea to me in so many ways. I'm dying to spend more time with them, they have been the missing half to me for a long time and meeting them two years ago I can honestly say was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's inbelievale to find out where you get the other half of your personality from and hey....theres people out there like me.

Here, I have nothing but pushing hard to do it on my own. I literally do not have a home in Tillamook. I cannot go live with my parents, most students standby, for many reasons, but the bottom line being it is not an option. All my other family is packed full taking care of other troubled family and the bottom line being I refuse to rot in Tillamook ever again. Call me stubborn or what you will, but I left there knowing I would never ever move back.

So it's Beaverton/Portland or Utah. I could try it in a studio, but paying upwards of 650.00 a month would be at the line of me living with nothing. Thats over one paycheck at US Bank. If Morgan doesn't say yes, I'm kind of out of options. I could always stay here and try to make it, but if you've read a previous blog, you'd know I'm set in the fact that this place, college in general, isn't for me. I think, as in I'm so overwhelmed I'm unsure, that I want to be in Beaverton Portland area. I have a best friend here in Oregon that is priceless to me. I cherish our friendship more then any other I have ever had and honestly, I don't make quality friendships easily. I don't like to make friends with people who I know won't return the friendship I put out there...that eliminates alot of people. Then again, I have the only other best friend I can really hold to Morgan, in Utah, Candis. Back to here, I have some family I really love (my aunts), a mom who's health would get worse if I left, a brother who is the most important person to me in the whole world, and some family friends who have taken the place of those family members who didn't care to be around....and became family (the Leutholds). Finally, there is someone I like here. Thats an uneasy topic, but as I know most of my family reads this, I'll say that he's really sweet and I'm not ready for a relationship. He's responsible, outgoing, and makes me laugh (alot) but all and all I'm worried about it, I'll admit, everyone knows I lay my heart out to be stepped on, and often I get the feeling that I'll end up diving in head first with no water. Translation: He's a great guy, but I'm weary of liking him anymore then a friend.

So yah. I'm choking.

somebody save me.

shan