Late Night Fretting

And I forgot about anxiety.

Why does it have to come at midnight when I have to work at four in the morning?

Why did I ever say yes to working the AM shift?

Oh geeze. I feel like I'm a mess. You probably couldn't see it on my face, but this girl is fah-reaking.

I am at my dearest Aunties house in Bumpkinville living the couch life. There are two bedrooms next to the livingroom. One, is inhabited by the cousin who moved here from Southern Oregon to completely take advantage of my whole family. Every time she breathes I wanna shake some common sense and decency into her. Seiriously, it's just like in the movies, where you see the main character do something completely crazy ( like shaking the sense into someone) but then you realize they were just imagining it and it flashes back to them being normal. She is talking to her skeezy boyfriend about things I don't want to hear and I want to now shake myself...unconscious. The other bedroom is occupied by a cousin with a good heart. But, he has a friend (gender:female) over tonight and I can hear every word of their conversation. The theme? Well, they are freshman in high school and I need say no more. Honestly, they are being fairly "G" rated, but it is keeping me up. The volume must be turned down! No matter how many times I remind them that their conversation is at an exposure level of a loudspeaker in library...they continue to keep talking.

My aunt also has Boston Terriers...they don't sleep. And when they do? They snore. I really think I am going to go Dr. Jeckll & Mr. Hyde in a very short amount of time. I

Anyways, that is not the only thing keeping me up. I'm finally getting scared. I'm sleeping on a couch in the town I despise more then most any place, distracted and wide awake, and it leaves me time to only worry. I'm just, I dunno, overwhelmed. As it is, I hate this place, and most of the people in it, and I've planted myself here for the next week. But the worst part is, as much I hate this place, there are a few people in it who I love more then anything and I am terrified to leave them behind. I've always been a travelin' girl, a girl who makes decisions spur of the moment and lives them, regardless of the repercussions, and yet here I set, scared to move. Don't get me wrong, I love the way I live. In fact, as of lately, a few specific people have taken the responsibility of doubting me, dogging me, saying I will regret my decisions and that I should just stay in school.
[[[[And honestly, live your own life. I have more memories then you will ever be able to see out of the top of that cardboard box you've confined yourself to. Do me a favor, peak out the top, just a little, see what years you've passed by and what moments you've wasted and more importantly live what time you have left. Each age is a blessing and each one comes with moments and options we don't have granted to us as we get older and move into different responsibilities. LIVE. And leave me alone.]]]]

I understand your concern, but damn, I'm okay. I promise. I'm living for what makes me happy and I'm safe...so let me be.

So back to me being scared.

I'm not scared of my decision. I know it's a good one. I'm going to a place with a loving family, something I've always been shorthanded on, and I've pretty much got a job and I know I have a house, which is more then I would have here. For once, just once, I won't have to struggle for stability and hot damn if I fall on my face, this time, finally, someone is going to catch me. I can't even say how nice it is to think about not having to work for everything all by myself for once. I mean, I'll always be a hard worker, but this time I won't have to work three jobs to pay my rent/bills and go to school. It's refreshing.

So what am I scared of?

I guess I dunno.

I'm always scared of what opportunities I'll miss. Maybe thats why I make decisions so quickly regardless of even the known consequences, is so I can experience everything that comes my way. I'm stuck wondering what I missing out on here in Oregon, mainly, my relationships with people. There is a boy ( he obviously isn't going to change my decision to go to Utah) and I'll always wonder what would have happened if I had stayed. My mom is ill as always and I'm missing time spent with my brother and my amazing nephews. My best friend, who is surely the best I have ever had, is here, and not there, and I don't like thinking about that. It goes the same with some other dear friends.

I also look at school. Honestely, everyone who knows me, knows I hate it and it's honestly not important to me whatsoever. It's taken me two years to finally come to terms with it, but I am NOT happy with college. But every time I stray, I look back and wonder what I'm missing out on. At WOU, I got the college life I always wanted, and really, I liked it. I hated learning pointless things to apply to a $74,000 piece of paper ( my degree) that would never be applied in my practical life, but the college living... I loved it. I loved my RHA job, I loved the people, I loved the interactions, I loved the guys (I'll admit it), I even loved a few of my classes. But I still feel the same way about it being a scam. I want to teach kindergarten, and they do not need to know how to calculate acceleration or velocity, so why should I go through the tutoring, the homework, the costs/fees, the stress, the time spent to take that class?

Sometimes, a BIG part of me just wishes I was a normal girl with a normal mind.
One who instead of doing what she wants and living life her way, takes the route more traveled and gets her degree, regardless of whether she likes it or not. The one who sits at her desk, toughs it out, and gets that piece of paper, even if she did spend four years of her young life doing so. Someone who doesn't think it's a waste. Someone who does what they are told...why can't I just be a normal girl? I know I say I love my life, and I do, but sometimes I wonder what the other side looks like.



Enough of that.

And theres a bunch of other things stressing me out. My mom, is being a selfish, rotten, bitter, ragged....ugh there isn't enough synonyms for wretched out there to describe her. She doesn't understand the importance of me being with my dad/dad's family right now and she's blabbing on about how much "money" (that's a lie) she invested in a now college drop out who's going to Mormonville to work a dead end job.

And along with the unsupporting friends, there's though I'm not leaving on the best terms with. Everyone knows I am without the ability to stay upset with people I don't absolutely hate. If we were/are friends, and I don't hate you but we're fighting, I may put up one hell of an argument and fight, but most often I'll be the first one to wrap you in a hug and apologize. Not everyone is like me though and they like to drag it out, which breaks my heart. So if you're reading this, and you are not a completely selfish human being, come hug me, please. I don't like the direction things are going in/have been in and I would much rather have a bridge to walk on...not one burnt. It would mean allot to me before I leave for Utah.


I sware I'm not this emotional all the time. lol.

All and all I need to just buck up. I really am being selfish and I need to be thankful. I'm opening up a door to an opportunity I've never been given my whole life and I'm excited. Lately, even with the sad amounts of friends who bring me down, I've had just as many come to my rescue and some even come out of no where. One, who I was leaving not on the best of terms with, had a dream I died and called me apologizing for everything he ever did. I can still remember yelling at him one night telling him everything I despised about him and yet when he called, his sincerity was so true, it didn't matter. Tonight, he's texting me and putting smiles on my face when I'm stressed out. God works in funny ways.


Lately, I've just been overwhelmed by thoughts my brain is shoving out there before I leave.
Nothing is going to change my mind, I am going. In fact, I'm excited and I know I will be happy once I get settled. Right now, I'm just fretting...cause that's what I do... :).

Okay, I have to get up in 4 hours. Somebody tune in tomorrow.

Chris, if you're reading this, I can't wait to go clubbing with you tomorrow, I miss you so much! Thank you for flying here in part to see me before I leave to Utah, your friendship is priceless to me and your support has really been a rock for me lately. I love you BamBOO!

night all.
Shannon

p.s. Aunt Tammy, I am really excited to come, I promise :). I just had to get everything out ;).